Monday, October 02, 2006

Adoption v. Pregnancy

Time to get some ugly out. I hope people will understand and not judge too harshly. But if you do...I know how to lock comments...and I don't mind doing so. I am in a fragile place right now and I don't need the wrath of the internets. This is my place to work things out for myself...and that is what I'm doing here.

So here's the thing...

I am inherently a selfish person.
I don't want someone else's child.
I want MY children.
I don't want to worry, every single day of my life, that some outsider with a "biological right" (trump card) is going to come into my relationship with my child and throw it off balance.
I want my child to be mine.
Relationships with children are hard enough without adding the constant stress of the adoption "triad."
I don't want a triad.
There is enough failure in raising children.
I don't want to have to worry about failing my child in providing for his/her cultural differences (that I may or may not even understand).
There is enough judgment in raising children.
I don't want to worry about additional communities of people (adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents) making judgments about how I raise my child.
I want to live my daily life with my child/ren without worrying about what else I "should be" doing.
I know adoption is supposed to be rosey posey and butterflies and kittens...but I don't feel that.
I don't want to resent my child for not being MY child.
I want a mother-child relationship that is free and clear.

I'm a coward.
I want an easy pregnancy that results in a live baby.
I don't want to worry about delivering another dead baby.
My heart cannot handle another ultrasound followed by the words, "I'm so sorry."
My mind cannot handle another image of a lifeless child.
I can't hear those words, "I'm so sorry," anymore at all.
I'm tired.
I want a baby.
I want peace.
I don't want to hear what everyone thinks about my choice to try again...or not.
There is no comfort in the, "Maybe someday," with a little smile and a wink.
It makes me want to vomit.
I want my children...alive.
But I want it all without the risk.

I am in no-man's land. Neither option "works" for me. I hate them both equally.

I want to cry.

I remember my life before. Before it was a normal thing to sit in the living room on a Sunday afternoon, watch football, and arrange flowers for my children's cemetery plots. Before my first thought upon buying a new car was, "Does this mean I have to go visit the cemetery more often now?" Before I had to explain to my son that the extra room may or may not ever contain a living baby. Before I had to weigh crappy options that make me want to curl up in a ball and scream in frustration, "It's not fair!"

The past is horrific. The future is dark and empty. How do I decide? The lesser of two evils? I want someone to make all these decisions for me at the same time I want people to mind their own business. I guess what I really want is for someone else to decide...but I reserve the right to blame them if it all goes to shit. Because I can't blame myself anymore. It might destroy me.

This little battle plays on...and on...and on...and on...


kate said...

I don't know, hun. Noone can decide but you & Steve...but you know that already. Maybe you're not ready to decide yet. I know you will eventually find your way but i hope you can find some light soon...

Sarah said...

I don't think anything you said is too ugly. It's where you are now.. and that is ok. It's better to write/talk about it.

And I understand what you are saying. Neither choice is easy.

delphi said...

I can see how both options are ugly. Both options involve a lot of grieving followed by a HUGE leap of faith. Both options leave you without two of your children.

I guess the only way to approach a decision is to be open and honest with yourself. Eventually, the right decision will find you.

Anonymous said...

This is not ugly, I have huge issues on this, so I totally understand. I'm so sorry it's so awful. The good thing is, you are dealing with it, by writing about it. And whatever happens, you will have it all worked out someday. By writing and talking and talking some more.

BethGo said...

So sorry that you have had to go through this.
Adoption is often touted as the perfect solution but you are right, it does have obvious drawbacks.
You have every right to be hesitant. I hope the answer will be there for you someday.
Thinking of you.

miraclebaby said...

you're right. it's not fair.

Carla said...

I will be thinking of you and your family as you go through this agonizing decision. Good luck. I do think you are wrong when you say it might destroy you. You are one of the strongest/bravest women that I've never met, but dream of becoming. I cry as I write this beacuse it's not fair. You deserve all of your dreams and wishes to be granted. Bless you. You make me believe in the future.

three minute palaver said...

I respect and admire you no matter what you think, write or chose.

Wendy said...

When you lose a child and decide you want another child, either option is hard to come to. You are taking your chances in opening yourself up to more loss. You just have to do what you believe will have the best outcome for you. Of course the outcome may not be what you envisioned, but at least you tried.

Rosepetal said...

I can only offer you ((((hugs))) from afar. As you once commented on another blog, time is dragging you forward when you want to stop and go back. When I read what you write you do seem like a strong person but I also know you didn't choose to have to be strong and it sucks.

Megan said...

I don't know how you chose Kate :( But you'll have my support in whatever direction you take!

Lorem ipsum said...

Thank you for saying that. And I scream along with you...

Lisa P. said...

I've been meaning to add some support to this post -- this has got to be a really tough choice and you seem to be handling it in the best way you can - weighing the options based on what's right for YOU. Not ugly at all in my book.

Dana said...

you know that i am thinking about you as you make these decisions. i hope you can find an answer that brings you peace. i wish you only happiness. i love you sis.