Time to get some ugly out. I hope people will understand and not judge too harshly. But if you do...I know how to lock comments...and I don't mind doing so. I am in a fragile place right now and I don't need the wrath of the internets. This is my place to work things out for myself...and that is what I'm doing here.
So here's the thing...
I am inherently a selfish person.
I don't want someone else's child.
I want MY children.
I don't want to worry, every single day of my life, that some outsider with a "biological right" (trump card) is going to come into my relationship with my child and throw it off balance.
I want my child to be mine.
Relationships with children are hard enough without adding the constant stress of the adoption "triad."
I don't want a triad.
There is enough failure in raising children.
I don't want to have to worry about failing my child in providing for his/her cultural differences (that I may or may not even understand).
There is enough judgment in raising children.
I don't want to worry about additional communities of people (adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents) making judgments about how I raise my child.
I want to live my daily life with my child/ren without worrying about what else I "should be" doing.
I know adoption is supposed to be rosey posey and butterflies and kittens...but I don't feel that.
I don't want to resent my child for not being MY child.
I want a mother-child relationship that is free and clear.
I'm a coward.
I want an easy pregnancy that results in a live baby.
I don't want to worry about delivering another dead baby.
My heart cannot handle another ultrasound followed by the words, "I'm so sorry."
My mind cannot handle another image of a lifeless child.
I can't hear those words, "I'm so sorry," anymore at all.
I want a baby.
I want peace.
I don't want to hear what everyone thinks about my choice to try again...or not.
There is no comfort in the, "Maybe someday," with a little smile and a wink.
It makes me want to vomit.
I want my children...alive.
But I want it all without the risk.
I am in no-man's land. Neither option "works" for me. I hate them both equally.
I want to cry.
I remember my life before. Before it was a normal thing to sit in the living room on a Sunday afternoon, watch football, and arrange flowers for my children's cemetery plots. Before my first thought upon buying a new car was, "Does this mean I have to go visit the cemetery more often now?" Before I had to explain to my son that the extra room may or may not ever contain a living baby. Before I had to weigh crappy options that make me want to curl up in a ball and scream in frustration, "It's not fair!"
The past is horrific. The future is dark and empty. How do I decide? The lesser of two evils? I want someone to make all these decisions for me at the same time I want people to mind their own business. I guess what I really want is for someone else to decide...but I reserve the right to blame them if it all goes to shit. Because I can't blame myself anymore. It might destroy me.
This little battle plays on...and on...and on...and on...