...and exhale

I admit that I hold my breath. My heart races and my palms sweat when I see or hear my friends talking about certain things.

The story of the woman who attacked another and stole her baby...well that one has me very nervous. I have seen peeks of it here and there, but people have been pretty good at supressing the ugly things I can tell they really want to say.

People are sick. People are evil. There is no compassion.

I hold my breath and wait for those statements to hit me in the face like a slap. I don't have the energy to stand up and defend myself, let alone a complete stranger who is completely mentally unbalanced. I don't excuse her. How could anyone excuse that kind of behavior?

It's true, I don't know her circumstances. I only know she lost a baby (she didn't miscarry if she was at the end of her pregnancy...she had a stillbirth...but don't let facts ruin a perfectly good story) and a family member also recently had a baby.

And I can imagine it all.

I can feel that pain.

I understand her a little more than I am comfortable with.

And though I am distinguised from her because I maintained my sanity (only God knows how) through my grief, I could very easily be her. In some ways I AM her. That want...that drive to have a child at any cost...it is eerily familiar to me. (You're right delphi...it is an odd world when you identify with the criminal more than the victim.)

So I hold my breath a lot and steady myself for the comments I know are coming. How could she? What a sicko. I hope she gets x, y, or z as punishment.

And then someone else offers up a little pity for this woman and I exhale.

It's not so hard to imagine anything anymore.


Sarah said…
This is the post I almost wrote and then wimped out...

The stupid "miscarriage" line made me want to scream. Full term miscarriage... right...

And mostly I found myself just wondering what a crappy job the hospital did that they released a woman who obviosly needed help.

I also find myself wondering what is different between that woman and I. A slightly different brain chemical profile? Having a better support system? Having a husband/partner who didn't leave me on my own for about 4 weeks?
MB said…
It totally makes me wonder what we have done differently that has kept me (sort of) sane. I don't know. I do know that I could have been her. I can sit here and say "I would never..." but, I do know it's a very fine line.

Such a heart-breaking story...for everyone concerned.
delphi said…
Yeah, that is a hell of a good question. What *does* make the difference between her and me?
Treggles said…
Can I ask a question? At what stage does a miscarriage become a stillbirth?

(If it's insensitive feel free to delete it, but I am geuinely unsure.)
vixanne wigg said…
20 weeks is the cutoff. I've also heard 24, but I think 20 is official. I assume that's because after about 20 weeks you have to actually birth the baby. It's too late for a D&E...unless you've got a "weird" (like what can get weirder) situation like mine.

Yeah. I have been feeling really defensive toward this woman. This makes not that much sense because I don't know anything about her, really. Maybe she is just an awful person. But I totally understand the pain and the anger and desperation that could drive you to do something like that. I can FEEL that pain. So I know there are going to be all these comments that this woman is sick and twisted and she should rot in hell and how dare she do that, but those comments are coming from people who can't FEEL that pain.

I do feel worse for the woman who lost her baby than for the woman whose baby was stolen. I know that's screwed up. But I can't help it.
Julian's Mom said…
I didn't hear the story, but your summation reminds me of the scene in March of the Penguins that made me really uncomfortable when the penguin steals another penguin's baby because hers died. I related too much, and it made me self conscious. I mean, I would never do that, but I wonder if that is how others see me. And, as others have asked, what is the difference between me and her? Before I had Natalie, I often asked myself that question, and the answer I always came to was that the only thing keeping me sane was my own sheer will to NOT go crazy and to NOT flip out and do something like steal someone else's baby b/c at some points over the last few years, my sanity has definitely felt like a choice, and I could have very easily slipped over to the other side b/c that would be the easy way out. It's hard work keeping it together when it feels like your world has fallen apart and everyone in your world is watching your every move. Good job keeping it together, C. I know it's not easy.
Jill said…
That miscarriage mistake had me yelling at the tv "a term miscarriage is not a miscarriage! It's a dead child!!". My mother-in-law looked at me like I was a crazy woman, but damn it, it matters.

Like what happened to her was a lesser event and therefore she had vertually no reason to do what she did.

Not only does it belittle what it means to experience a stillbirth, but what it is to miscarry too. Grrrrrr. No wonder ordinary people go postal with that idiocy to contend with. What bloody chance did that woman have?
When this first happened I was appaled, and angered for the Mother, and her family, that she was sliced open on her throat and her new baby girl was taken from her.

When baby Abby was found, safe and sound, and the woman was caught I was so glad and I hoped they threw the book at her.

Then in one article of 3 that I read it mentioned in passing that she had a 'miscarriage at 9 months'. I suddenly felt so terribly sad for this woman. I hope she gets the help she needs, and I hope all of those around her are also investigated to see if she should have been released from the hospital so fast.

I am so glad the baby is home with her family, safe and sound.

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