Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Four-year-old perspective

After a year and three months, I paid the bill for our deductible for Alex's delivery. I paid it while sitting in Samuel's hospital room. But it felt like I turned a corner in that moment...moved forward somehow.

There I was again, in that place dealing with a situation that was entirely beyond my control. In a lot of ways, Sam taught me the most valuable lesson I could have learned. Throw a fit. Scream and yell and cry. And make it good and loud so you wake the neighbors and everybody knows how this sucks. And then have a chocolate chip cookie and watch some cartoons and move past it. Find the playroom and enjoy yourself. Continuing the fit ain't gonna change a damn thing about where you are at the moment except to give you a red nose, high blood pressure, and a hoarse voice from the screaming. And everybody agrees...it sucks that this is the way it is...but there is no magical cure. So deal with it the best you can.

It was time to let go of the anger and the pain. It's not going to bring Alex back. It's not going to make me more of a mommy. But it can make me less of a mommy if I'm not careful. I realize I have identified with women who have lost babies. Where are the women with whom I can identify having a four-year-old child? I have closed them out...all of them. I have lost sight of the mommy I AM by focusing on the mommy I'm not.

It's time to have a chocolate chip cookie, acknowledge how it sucks, and move forward. If my four-year-old son can do it, I should be able to.


R said...

Wow. I am so proud of you, Catherine. Wow. Wow.

kate said...

Good for you.

But i think you ARE, through all of this, a wonderful mommy, to ALL your children. So there.

Diana said...

Wow. Amazing what these kids will teach us, huh?
*hugs* hope you enjoyed your chocolate chip cookie ;)

Sarah said...

Sometimes you have to wonder who is learning more from one another - the parent or the child.

Sending you a big ole cyber hug.

Mel said...

Well if your gonna eat a chocolate chip cookie.. make sure its homemade, warm and be sure to eat more then one.

Big hugs to you Kate.

Erin said...


Julie said...

I hadn't come to that realization yet, thank you for pointing it out, or rather, thank Sam. While I can't possibly muster enough moxie to suggest that "things happen for a reason", at the very least your rationale gives me a different perspective.
And I'm glad you found it as well. Is there room for one more?

Dolores said...

I am so proud of you. WOW!! You have always been amazingly strong and a wonderful Mother~like someone else said...to ALL your sons.

This isn't something you just "get over"...it is something you deal with. It is something that still cuts you deeply forever. You NEVER get over losing a child but you do find a way to move forward with your life and take the wonderful memories of your babies with you.

You are on the right path Kate. Nothing but love for you and all your boys(hubby included ;).

Love you Kate XOXO

delphi said...

"I have lost sight of the mommy I AM by focusing on the mommy I'm not."

Now that is profound - thank you.

Jill said...

wow. just wow.