Monday, July 10, 2006

I want to cry

Dr. A.

I don't mean to seem sarcastic, but how much more vigilant could we be? I was in for an ultrasound on Tuesday...Travis was dead on Sunday morning. I guess I just wonder how "the plan" would be any different from last time...if at all.

I'm not asking for assurances or guarantees...really. I know that there are none of those. But I just feel rather sucker-punched and I want to know if it will be any different if we try again. If there is something/anything that could improve my odds of giving birth to a living baby, then I would be more likely to choose to try again. But if there really is nothing else that can be done, I'm not convinced it's all worth it. To get so far and have it all just mysteriously disappear...twice...it's not exactly a fairy tale.

See...I told you I was going to be a nightmare patient. :o)

Catherine


--------------------------------------------------

Hi, Cathy,

Oh, believe me: you are no nightmare.

In certain respects, you're right re vigilance---what happened, happened abruptly. I'd still, though, watch you.

About the only thing I can envision differently is adding a prophylactic dose of a blood thinner---and I really don't know if that would make a difference or not, but sometimes it helps.

Cathy, please give yourself some time to make this decision--- what path you should take, although nebulous and full of pain/fear now, may become more clear in the future. Healing is one thing you can't accelerate.

Sincerely,
Dr. A


--------------------------------------------------

So basically nothing would be different. I don't need to accelerate anything to know that that is just not an option for me. Not again. I can't take anymore crossing my fingers and just hoping for the best. Because the best just doesn't happen for me 2/3 of the time.

Decision made? No more babies?

There's not even a word strong enough to convey how much this hurts.

9 comments:

lauralu said...

oh, catherine, i hurt so much for you. i want better for you: answers, controllable factors, relief from complications. if i could give those things to you, they would so be yours.

only you know what you can handle. the one thing i do know, related to this hurt, is that if i could change one thing about my subsequent decisions, it would have been to give myself a year after hans died before even thinking about anything (or anyone) else. i didn't allow myself that slack, and i regret it. would my decisions have been any different had i waited until this year? who knows? maybe not. but i think i would have had more peace about them, instead of second-guessing myself the whole way.

wishing you peace today.

vixanne wigg said...

Cathy,
Maybe I'm missing some information, but I'd like to echo what Lyss said a few post back. Your doctor sounds like a very caring person, but I don't think that care is the issue here. Is he the best doctor in your area? Is he THE doc who deals with difficult pregnancies. We have a guy here who everyone knows about...is there someone like that in your area? It just seems like there are a ton of tests that could be done...even just to rule things out. I'm sorry if I'm overstepping or commenting on things that you have already addressed. I would just hate to think that there is a reason for the loss of two babies that could be found if they looked hard enough for it.

Lorem ipsum said...

Just peace to you. Nothing else left to say.

Julian's Mom said...

I don't know what it's like to have lost two precious babies, but I think that for anyone who has lost at least one baby, the decision to try for another is always a huge leap of faith (both in a spiritual and secular sense). Sadly, most of us will never have any answers as to why our babies became ill and/or died, and will have to live with that for the rest of our lives. The decision not only to go on with our own lives, but to attempt to create another, is one of the most important choices we'll ever make, and unfortunately cannot be taken as lightly as it is by many around us. Whatever choices we do make, are always made out of love, taking into account what we are capable of handling and what is best for us and our families. I wish you peace as you continue to think things through.

Holley said...

Big Hugs. I'm aching for your hurts my friend.

three minute palaver said...

I feel enormously sorry for you having these decisions to make without enough information at hand. I have been given a similar option if I ever have another pregnancy (which is taking blood thinner/baby asprin) and I am scared stupid. I also don't know what to do and if there is any point in going for another live birth. I haven't had 2 stillbirths so I don't know how you feel about doing it again. I know how I feel and that is terrible. I'm sorry you don't have more answers. This is so unfair.

deadbabymama said...

I'm not very awake at the moment, hope this makes sense!

Laura says she wishes she'd waited a year. We were forced to because of my thyroid surgery and I'm glad we did. I needed a year to go through all of the anniversaries, and to learn how to breath and still my mind for an instant, for therapy. I needed that time, as did L and our marriage.

I lost two babies and after my placenta accreda having O is kind of a miracle. It is through the grace of one quick-thinking midwife who went searching for a second opinion that I even have a uterus at all, let alone a kid come out of it unscathed. What I'm saying is that as long as you've got eggs, a uterus and access to sperm there is always hope BUT you have to have the resources to make the decision and deal with the outcome - and that's the bigger unknown.

I guess I just want to encourage you to take your time and explore the options and the 'facts' without putting undue pressure on yourself; goodness knows there is enough external pressure to go around. I may be adding some pressure here myself, that isn't my intention, I'm just throwing stuff out there that might help.

msfitzita said...

Sending (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) and wishing, with all my heart, that there was more I could do.

Sherry (Hallesmom) said...

Your dr said - Healing is one thing you can't accelerate.

I think he is so right, Catherine. I'm not in your shoes, but I think you need to remember it has barely been a year since Alex died, and 2 months since Travis died. You need some time no matter what you choose, to heal or mourn, or be angry.

*hugs* I feel so awful for you and Steve right now. It seems like there should be some antibiotic, some medicine, something out there to help you both have another living child.