Friday, June 23, 2006

Honesty...always the best policy?

A message I just sent someone...
I'll tell you a little secret...a horrible little secret...there ARE days when I wish I hadn't tried again. How's that for mother of the year? There are days when I wish Travis out of existence, if only to save some peace for myself.

Yeah, I have good days when I look on the time I shared with my boys and smile when I feel the love. But if I'm honest, I have to admit that there are days when I wish like hell I never had to deal with any of this. I wish I'd never conceived either Alex OR Travis. I wish it had never happened and I had just been happy with Sam. I wish they didn't exist. And it's not like I'm wishing away a long and fulfilling life anyway. I mean, they're dead. I'm wishing away their deaths...their nonexistence. I wish their nonexistence in this way could change to their nonexistence in another. No harm, no foul. Right?

4 comments:

Kathy McC said...

It makes total sense. I get that way sometimes when I think about the girls. What was the point of me losing them? Why did I get pregnant in the first place? Maybe if I had waited another year like I had originally planned, this never would have happened. Would I have been better off? Happier? Maybe. I don't know. Then I think of the fact that I've become a better person as a result (at least I think I have). I look at life differently now. I look at my friends and family differently. I don't think God was trying to teach me something by taking away my babies...at least I hope that's not the kind of God that exists. But I do think there was some sort of meaning in my girls short existence...

Jaye said...

Catherine, your thoughts make complete sense to me as well. Well before the days of blogging we invested eleven years in ttc to bring home baby number two. As a result I often wish we hadn't "wasted" those precious years away [whilst our son was growing up] on treatments that didn't work or worked in so far as us having to deal with the loss of four babies. It would be a lie if I told you I hadn't been a bitter woman throughout all that time, but time does heal. A lot of time in my case, but it does get better, although I don't know if that hurt will ever completely heal 100%. I don't know if it is ever meant to and I think that is probably okay, too. Still, after three years since the last loss I do find myself wishing it all away, wishing it had never happened. And I do believe that is okay and natural and normal as well.

I also believe there is meaning in having loved and lost whether it be in the form of adult relationships or those of parent/child however old they may be and as cruel and hurtful as it is. It is only natural to look at God and blame Him in all of this because who else is there? Struggle as we may to find the answer to that one question of "Why?" we aren't going to find it so simply and even if we were to do so in a blood test, biopsy or what-have-you, it doesn't give us, as mothers, much reassurance because we should never have to go through this, never have to lose our babies. In our minds, there is no "right" answer in that whatsoever, no matter what any doctor tells us and most probably if God came down and stood before us and told us what His reasoning was...well, in this life here and now, I do believe I would have the most difficult time with acceptance. Someday, though, I do hope to know "why" and understand, if not accept that as well.

The day is always darkest before dawn. You know this, Catherine. I promise you that you will see the sunshine again and life will be good and peaceful again inside your heart and mind.

You, Steve, Samuel, Alex and Travis are always in my thoughts...

Hedda said...

I don't think any of the things you are feeling or thinking are wrong. You have been through a terrible amount of pain in the past 11 months. You cannot blame yourself though.

Everyone deals with grief a different way. You are working through your grief one day at a time.

I'm glad to know that the renovations are getting your mind off of things for a while. I think that will help.

lauralu said...

i felt this way every other day of my pregnancy with hans.