Thursday, May 11, 2006

When you're right, you're right

Kristin ~ You're right. It's 4:30am and I can't sleep and it's time for the ugly to show itself...and I want to write about it. Not because I want to keep it as a memory for myself...but because I need to get it out or it will eat me alive.

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If you're sensitive at all...don't read this. I respect you all enough out there in the blogosphere to give you that much warning.

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WHAT THE F***?!?!?! What did we do to deserve this?!?!?! I am so absolutely pissed off that I can't see straight!!!

I'm lying in bed thinking about what to say at my son's funeral! Another son...dead on the same God-damned weekend. Left me too soon to be buried in the same place on the hill. This isn't the 18th century! And I don't live in Bangledesh! I've got family who don't even WANT their kids! What the f*** did I do to deserve THIS?!?!?!

I want to destroy something. I want to throw dishes and break everything that is breakable. I want to scream until I have no voice left...and then I want to scream some more. I want to make other people cry. I want someone else to hurt as bad as we are hurting. I am SO TIRED of holding it all together!

I'm tired of family who can't be bothered to even call...or who do call to let us know they'll try to fit us into their "crazy schedule." I'm tired of family who can't be bothered to acknowledge that we lost ONE child...let alone two.

I'm tired of friends who treat me like I have the f***ing plague...it's NOT contagious, you know?!?!

I'm tired of being the God-damned supportive friend who takes care of everyone else while I feel like I'm dead inside. How long can I go through the motions?

There is no God. Do you HEAR ME???? There is no God! I don't care about your peace or your faith or any of that CRAP! Leave me alone! My babies are DEAD! I don't give a shit that they're together in heaven. What good does that do me?!?! NO GOOD! Maybe it helps you...with your healthy, LIVING, children dancing around your feet...but it does not help me one bit.

Yes, this is the ugly. The stuff that I've never had the courage to say out loud for fear people would be offended. Well too f***ing bad folks...here it comes!

Oh yes, it's 4:30am and I can't sleep because this is the stuff I think about.

I think about being in that hospital room all those hours delivering Alex and NOBODY but Steve to hold my hand. Who was holding his? NOBODY! He was left there all alone to be the strong, amazing man that he is...while his heart was breaking into a million pieces. And again in that hospital room delivering Travis and NOBODY cared but MY parents. I think about him holding me up at Alex's funeral...and I worry about him holding me up at Travis' funeral...all alone. And I'm so f***ing pissed off at the world for that...for leaving him all alone.

And I'm so unbelievably scared that I will lose everything. When we met, he wanted six kids. Now what? What do I say to him? I'm sorry just doesn't seem to be enough.

And my poor sweet Samuel. I can't seem to keep a promise to him anymore. And he is so hurt and angry. Why did his brothers leave him all alone? Why did they go to heaven together instead of coming home to play with him?!?!?! How is he not supposed to hate them for turning his mother into this...this person...this bitter, angry, hateful person? this person who says things like, "Oh, Sam, I don't think there are going to be any more babies," when I've dangled the idea of a baby we can dress in red, his favorite color...a "red baby" to play with and love?

I'm so unbelievably angry at Travis. If you were going to die, why did you wait until you were so big? Why did you make me see your image on that damned ultrasound screen and fall in love with you? Why did you make me deliver your dead body into this world only to have to bury you on that hill? WHY?!?!?! My poor, sweet, unfinished Baby Travis.

And me...let's not forget me. This body that I HATE...hate with more passion than I have ever hated anything in this world. What did I think I was doing? Oh yeah...right...I'll just pop out a living baby...no problem. I'll even go shopping! HA! Shopping! What the f*** was I thinking? I bought baby clothes...baby clothes...like I was going to have a baby or something! Oh my God! What an absolute idiot I am! And I didn't even have anything small enough to bury my son in. I planned for a dead baby...but not one this small. I figured I'd at least get to 30 weeks. How f***ing stupid I am! So my boy is going to be buried in donated clothes made special for babies his size...clothes I can freaking make myself for charity but don't have on hand for my own son! I am SO STUPID!

Oh yeah...this is the ugly. And there's more...and I'll get to it. But right now I need to go remember the dead son I delivered last year. And Friday I need to spend time burying the dead son I delivered this year. Calming breaths and peaceful thoughts and all that bullshit...while the ugly festers underneath.

You're right Kristin - writing for me is just what I needed. Now maybe I can sleep some more before the sun comes up.

24 comments:

Mommies Esq1 said...

No one deserves this. Fairness was dreamed up by humans and doesn't exist in nature.

It sucks and you have every reason to be angry.

I love you my friend.

Kathy McC said...

I wish I had something comforting to say, but I don't. Saying "I'm sorry" just doesn't seem like enough. I am sick for you...just utterly sick and sad. I don't understand why this happens and it just makes me really angry and bitter at the world. I have lost two children but I can't hold a candle to the pain you've been through. I can't say I know how you feel because I don't. I just want you to know that there are a lot of people out here in blog land who are thinkng of you and wishing they could take all of your pain away. (((Hugs))) to you, my friend.

Ann Howell said...

When my mom found out that her then youngest child had permanent severe brain damage and after caring for him for a year would not be able to be adopted, she came home and broke all of her dishes. The rage has to go somewhere.

I can't begin to imagine the depths of your grief right now, but I am thinking of little Alex today. It's unfathomable that you have to bury another son tomorrow. I wish I could take even an ounce of the pain away from you, but know that you have many, many people who are thinking of you right now.

Jennifer said...

Catherine - you do not know me but I have lurked on your blog for some time now (got here through Kristin). I have been reading everything for the last few days and I am heartbroken for you. I had not posted b/c you don't know me but I have decided that does not matter. You should know about all the people who do care about you.

I can not stop thinking about you. I know there is nothing I can do or say but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you and your family.

((HUGS)) from a blogland lurker.

Roxanne said...

Catherine,
Boy, I try to start twelve times and nothing seems right to say. I'm just so sorry, and I am thinking about you guys.

Julie said...

Cathy, I am thinking of Alex today. I wish he was here with you. I wish you didn't have to be so hurt. I just don't know what to say, but I do want you to know your family is constantly in my thoughts. I'm sending you all my love, but I know its nowhere near enough. I wish I could come break things with you, and then hold yours and Steve's hands when we are done. (((hugs)))

SWH said...

Yell and scream! Write about it all, for you, not for us. It's all true for you right now.... Nothing is to ugly.

I hope you got some sleep. I am sorry...

Laura said...

Catherine,
I've never been good at coming up with great things to say, but I've always been a good listener. I'm listening and I'm crying and I'm pissed and questioning everything. Oh Catherine, this is so horrible. Please know that I'm thinking about you non-stop. And of Steve and Sam and your sweet baby boys.

cat said...

Spill it all, whatever you need. Thinking of you all today, tomorrow and always.

msfitzita said...

I'm so glad you were able to write. For you, and also because I selfishly want to know how you're doing. We care so much for you, your friends in blogland.

And please remember, there's nothing ugly in the truth. In fact, there's so much beauty in the love you've just expressed for Steve, Sam, Alex and Travis, even in the midst of your grief.

I still can't fathom that any of this happened.

"Sorry" seems so small and pitiful, but it's all I have. And I am so, so sorry.

Heather said...

I hope you were able to get some rest. Let it all out, Kate. You are all in my heart and thoughts.

Diana said...

I know you're hurt, I'm hurt for you and I'm just a nobody on the internet who has come to care for you and your family. Scream, yell, go to a shooting range, anything that will get it out. It sucks that there's no one around when you need them, and I'm sorry you're going through this again. I told my husband and even he can't believe it.
Catherine, I know what it feels like to stop believing in God. There's nothing wrong with it, especially after going through all this. Just believe in yourself...
Lots of love for you,
Diana

laura said...

catherine, i remember too well the anger, and the fear, and feeling like an idiot. i wish i could take all that away from you, that you wouldn't have to bear the burden of those feelings. but there's nothing ugly about those feelings - there's only the injustice that you have to experience them. i am thinking of you today, as you remember alex, and we will be standing with you tomorrow. sending all my love your way.

grumpyABDadjunct said...

I can't believe that you are going through this again, I'm just gutted for you all and feel so frickin' helpless up here. I think of you constantly and will dedicate some time for Alex today.

MB said...

You have absolutely every right to say every word you did. Every right.

I'm still so sorry.

kate said...

Sending you all the hugs and love i can through the ether. I am glad that you are writing. It NEEDS to be said.

It is all too fucking unbelievable, for this to happen....

Chauntel said...

Catherine, take my condolences to heart. You are one amazing woman to actually come out & voice the ugly. You may just give yourself some true room to grieve the way you need to. Please know that there is a huge community that loves & accepts whatever you throw our way & will shoulder it for you!
Chauntel

Serenity said...

Catherine - my heart aches for you right now. Let all the ugliness out. What you are going through is SO not fucking fair.

I wish you peace right now. I am SO sorry.

lorem ipsum said...

Your demons visit me nightly. I think I heard you scream. And you have every right to your scream, but that doesn't make it right that one family must suffer the pain of a thousand. Rage.

Treggles said...

Boy, you really, really needed to say all that. And I'm glad you did, and I'm glad we're hear to listen. God or no God, you're going through hell* at the moment. Scream as much as you want/need/feel.

Like everyone else, I am so sorry.

*Note to self: can there be a hell if there's no God? Who knows.

Plant Girl said...

At a loss of words here too. Incredible sadness and rage comsume me as I sit here reading your words. Scream, throw things or write--do whatever you need to get it out. We're here to listen. Thinking of you, Steve, Samuel, Alex and Travis during this horribly unfair time.

-tnchick- said...

Kate, anytime you want to vent your rage, you should. Put yourself first and don't worry what others may think. Those that love you will not think any less of you venting your thoughts, anger, etc. :(

Lioness said...

I am so sorry, so very sorry. It doesn't help you any but no one should have to be made to endure so much pain so alone. My heart is breaking for you and your husband and your little boys, all of them.

Kendra's mom said...

Hi. I wish I could say I understand how you feel, but I don't. I lost 1 baby, not 2. And I had the privilege of having her company for 11 months, not 0. Can one be worse than the other? Having a baby for 11 months and then having them snatched away? Or not getting the chance to even have 11 beautiful months with them? I feel for you, I feel for myself. Life is just such a bitch. And I thank you for having the courage to vent your feelings like that. Bravo. I have been too mindful of who has been reading my blog to really vent. Maybe it would have helped, I don't know. People, including my husband, keep telling me that my daughter is still here with us. But then why can't I hold her in my arms? Why do my arms feel so empty? I know sorry doesn't really cut it, but I am terribly sorry. This is not something I would wish on anyone, not even once never mind twice. This is probably not helping but I am thinking of you.

Mom

My mom insisted on living independently. She wanted to live in the two-story house she and my dad built in the 70s, despite the fact that da...