Thursday, May 11, 2006

When you're right, you're right

Kristin ~ You're right. It's 4:30am and I can't sleep and it's time for the ugly to show itself...and I want to write about it. Not because I want to keep it as a memory for myself...but because I need to get it out or it will eat me alive.


If you're sensitive at all...don't read this. I respect you all enough out there in the blogosphere to give you that much warning.


WHAT THE F***?!?!?! What did we do to deserve this?!?!?! I am so absolutely pissed off that I can't see straight!!!

I'm lying in bed thinking about what to say at my son's funeral! Another son...dead on the same God-damned weekend. Left me too soon to be buried in the same place on the hill. This isn't the 18th century! And I don't live in Bangledesh! I've got family who don't even WANT their kids! What the f*** did I do to deserve THIS?!?!?!

I want to destroy something. I want to throw dishes and break everything that is breakable. I want to scream until I have no voice left...and then I want to scream some more. I want to make other people cry. I want someone else to hurt as bad as we are hurting. I am SO TIRED of holding it all together!

I'm tired of family who can't be bothered to even call...or who do call to let us know they'll try to fit us into their "crazy schedule." I'm tired of family who can't be bothered to acknowledge that we lost ONE child...let alone two.

I'm tired of friends who treat me like I have the f***ing's NOT contagious, you know?!?!

I'm tired of being the God-damned supportive friend who takes care of everyone else while I feel like I'm dead inside. How long can I go through the motions?

There is no God. Do you HEAR ME???? There is no God! I don't care about your peace or your faith or any of that CRAP! Leave me alone! My babies are DEAD! I don't give a shit that they're together in heaven. What good does that do me?!?! NO GOOD! Maybe it helps you...with your healthy, LIVING, children dancing around your feet...but it does not help me one bit.

Yes, this is the ugly. The stuff that I've never had the courage to say out loud for fear people would be offended. Well too f***ing bad it comes!

Oh yes, it's 4:30am and I can't sleep because this is the stuff I think about.

I think about being in that hospital room all those hours delivering Alex and NOBODY but Steve to hold my hand. Who was holding his? NOBODY! He was left there all alone to be the strong, amazing man that he is...while his heart was breaking into a million pieces. And again in that hospital room delivering Travis and NOBODY cared but MY parents. I think about him holding me up at Alex's funeral...and I worry about him holding me up at Travis' funeral...all alone. And I'm so f***ing pissed off at the world for that...for leaving him all alone.

And I'm so unbelievably scared that I will lose everything. When we met, he wanted six kids. Now what? What do I say to him? I'm sorry just doesn't seem to be enough.

And my poor sweet Samuel. I can't seem to keep a promise to him anymore. And he is so hurt and angry. Why did his brothers leave him all alone? Why did they go to heaven together instead of coming home to play with him?!?!?! How is he not supposed to hate them for turning his mother into this...this person...this bitter, angry, hateful person? this person who says things like, "Oh, Sam, I don't think there are going to be any more babies," when I've dangled the idea of a baby we can dress in red, his favorite color...a "red baby" to play with and love?

I'm so unbelievably angry at Travis. If you were going to die, why did you wait until you were so big? Why did you make me see your image on that damned ultrasound screen and fall in love with you? Why did you make me deliver your dead body into this world only to have to bury you on that hill? WHY?!?!?! My poor, sweet, unfinished Baby Travis.

And me...let's not forget me. This body that I HATE...hate with more passion than I have ever hated anything in this world. What did I think I was doing? Oh yeah...right...I'll just pop out a living problem. I'll even go shopping! HA! Shopping! What the f*** was I thinking? I bought baby I was going to have a baby or something! Oh my God! What an absolute idiot I am! And I didn't even have anything small enough to bury my son in. I planned for a dead baby...but not one this small. I figured I'd at least get to 30 weeks. How f***ing stupid I am! So my boy is going to be buried in donated clothes made special for babies his size...clothes I can freaking make myself for charity but don't have on hand for my own son! I am SO STUPID!

Oh yeah...this is the ugly. And there's more...and I'll get to it. But right now I need to go remember the dead son I delivered last year. And Friday I need to spend time burying the dead son I delivered this year. Calming breaths and peaceful thoughts and all that bullshit...while the ugly festers underneath.

You're right Kristin - writing for me is just what I needed. Now maybe I can sleep some more before the sun comes up.


Mommies Esq1 said...

No one deserves this. Fairness was dreamed up by humans and doesn't exist in nature.

It sucks and you have every reason to be angry.

I love you my friend.

MyrrhsieSLB said...

Let all the ugly out you need to. I am so sorry about this. I am thinking about you, Steve, Samuel, Alex, and Travis.


the ockers said...

Oh Catherine, I am so sad for your pain and hurt. When I lost my son he too was little (25 weeks but small for size) and I didn't anticipate his death either. I also felt angry with him for getting so big and letting me get attached to him, if he was just going to die on me so soon. and I stopped believing in God too. I am just so sad for you. I cannot imagine how so much sadness can happen to one family in one week. This is just horrendous. Nothing can make this right again. It's 9:50pm Thursday here, so I already light the first candle for Alex and please know, none of you have left my thoughts for a single moment this week. & if there really is a God, may he give you a fucking break for a change?!

Lola said...

Catherine, my heart hurts so much for you and your family. I cannot imagine how much more pain you are in. Your words about delivering Alex and Travis, and Steve's strength and support just flatten me. No one should have to bury their children. Not once. And dear gods not twice.

I would willingly take this pain away from you if I could. And if you want to lash out and hurt someone, well I know how that feels, and you can lash out at me. I will take it if it provides even a tiny speck of respite from your grief.

I have thought of both of your boys many times today. I don't know you and never knew them, but if my thoughts count for anything, they are there. For you, Steve and Samuel, too.

I know I have no right to say this, but I feel a great love for all of you. Please know that I am reaching out to you through the ether.


Kathy McC said...

I wish I had something comforting to say, but I don't. Saying "I'm sorry" just doesn't seem like enough. I am sick for you...just utterly sick and sad. I don't understand why this happens and it just makes me really angry and bitter at the world. I have lost two children but I can't hold a candle to the pain you've been through. I can't say I know how you feel because I don't. I just want you to know that there are a lot of people out here in blog land who are thinkng of you and wishing they could take all of your pain away. (((Hugs))) to you, my friend.

R said...

don't know what to say...

Bronwyn said...

When my mom found out that her then youngest child had permanent severe brain damage and after caring for him for a year would not be able to be adopted, she came home and broke all of her dishes. The rage has to go somewhere.

I can't begin to imagine the depths of your grief right now, but I am thinking of little Alex today. It's unfathomable that you have to bury another son tomorrow. I wish I could take even an ounce of the pain away from you, but know that you have many, many people who are thinking of you right now.

Kath said...

Dear Catherine, this is unutterably sad and awful. I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy, and cannot even imagine the weight and depth of your grief and rage. I'm thinking of Alex and Travis, and hoping that someday you and Stephen and Sam find life bearable again.

Thinking of you on this cruel day, that bleak tomorrow and beyond.

Jennifer said...

Catherine - you do not know me but I have lurked on your blog for some time now (got here through Kristin). I have been reading everything for the last few days and I am heartbroken for you. I had not posted b/c you don't know me but I have decided that does not matter. You should know about all the people who do care about you.

I can not stop thinking about you. I know there is nothing I can do or say but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you and your family.

((HUGS)) from a blogland lurker.

Sherry (Hallesmom) said...

My heart is breaking for you, Steve, and Sam. Alex's death wasn't fair. Travis's death is just not fair. Fair doesn't cut it - the words just aren't there. When I first read Steve's post, I cried for you, then I got angry. Very angry. I don't have a God, but I think there is something up there. How could he let this happen not once, but twice, to a wonderful family?

Today, I am thinking of Alex. Sweet baby Alex and how he should be home with his big brother Sam today, not gone. Tomorrow I will think of you, and Steve, and Sam as you bury your sweet Travis.

I'm here. Yell at me all you want. I'm angry for you.

ethanbsmommy said...

Like everyone else who's heard your story, I wish I could say or do something that could take some of your pain away....I'm sorry.
I'm thinking of sweet Alex today. You are all in my thoughts.
I'd come and hold Steves hand if I could

vixanne wigg said...

Boy, I try to start twelve times and nothing seems right to say. I'm just so sorry, and I am thinking about you guys.

Julie said...

Cathy, I am thinking of Alex today. I wish he was here with you. I wish you didn't have to be so hurt. I just don't know what to say, but I do want you to know your family is constantly in my thoughts. I'm sending you all my love, but I know its nowhere near enough. I wish I could come break things with you, and then hold yours and Steve's hands when we are done. (((hugs)))

Sarah said...

Yell and scream! Write about it all, for you, not for us. It's all true for you right now.... Nothing is to ugly.

I hope you got some sleep. I am sorry...

Laura said...

I've never been good at coming up with great things to say, but I've always been a good listener. I'm listening and I'm crying and I'm pissed and questioning everything. Oh Catherine, this is so horrible. Please know that I'm thinking about you non-stop. And of Steve and Sam and your sweet baby boys.

cat said...

Spill it all, whatever you need. Thinking of you all today, tomorrow and always.

msfitzita said...

I'm so glad you were able to write. For you, and also because I selfishly want to know how you're doing. We care so much for you, your friends in blogland.

And please remember, there's nothing ugly in the truth. In fact, there's so much beauty in the love you've just expressed for Steve, Sam, Alex and Travis, even in the midst of your grief.

I still can't fathom that any of this happened.

"Sorry" seems so small and pitiful, but it's all I have. And I am so, so sorry.

Heather said...

I hope you were able to get some rest. Let it all out, Kate. You are all in my heart and thoughts.

Diana said...

I know you're hurt, I'm hurt for you and I'm just a nobody on the internet who has come to care for you and your family. Scream, yell, go to a shooting range, anything that will get it out. It sucks that there's no one around when you need them, and I'm sorry you're going through this again. I told my husband and even he can't believe it.
Catherine, I know what it feels like to stop believing in God. There's nothing wrong with it, especially after going through all this. Just believe in yourself...
Lots of love for you,

lauralu said...

catherine, i remember too well the anger, and the fear, and feeling like an idiot. i wish i could take all that away from you, that you wouldn't have to bear the burden of those feelings. but there's nothing ugly about those feelings - there's only the injustice that you have to experience them. i am thinking of you today, as you remember alex, and we will be standing with you tomorrow. sending all my love your way.

deadbabymama said...

I can't believe that you are going through this again, I'm just gutted for you all and feel so frickin' helpless up here. I think of you constantly and will dedicate some time for Alex today.

delphi said...

Pardon my language - starting again in the bottom of the shit and the mire, to somehow, unimaginably, claw your way up again? Do what you need to, say what you need to, it is all too fucking unreal. I get it. No point in sugar coating shit.

MB said...

You have absolutely every right to say every word you did. Every right.

I'm still so sorry.

kate said...

Sending you all the hugs and love i can through the ether. I am glad that you are writing. It NEEDS to be said.

It is all too fucking unbelievable, for this to happen....

Chauntel said...

Catherine, take my condolences to heart. You are one amazing woman to actually come out & voice the ugly. You may just give yourself some true room to grieve the way you need to. Please know that there is a huge community that loves & accepts whatever you throw our way & will shoulder it for you!

W said...

I am so sorry to hear about your sweet Travis. I know you don't *know* me, I linked here from Julie's blog. Just know that I can feel from your words how much this hurts. I've been there too. It's so unfair and you do not deserve this. Keep writing though, it is cathartic.

Also, I am thinking about Alex on his 1st birthday and I'm so sorry he is not with you and your family to celebrate. Peace to you.

serenity said...

Catherine - my heart aches for you right now. Let all the ugliness out. What you are going through is SO not fucking fair.

I wish you peace right now. I am SO sorry.

Ersza said...

You have a right to your anger. What has happened to you is unthinkable. I am new to your blog, and have spent some time reading through your archives. When you are ready to think about the future and try to find some answers, you might want to check out this book: (if you haven't already). I mention it because I noticed you had an infection at the birth of your first son, and that infection was implicated in the loss of your second. Dr. Toth recommends aggressive antibiotic treatment for couples who are experiencing this sort of infertility or recurrent loss. He goes a bit far, sometimes, and seems to think that antibiotics are the answer to every form of infertility, but in your case, there are some clear signs pointing that way.

Laura said...

Catherine, I know that there isn't anything that I can say to make you feel any better. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you Steve, Sam, Alex, and Travis. I don't think that you would offend anyone by what you wrote. If it did then it is too bad. I am keeping you in my thoughts all the time.

Lorem ipsum said...

Your demons visit me nightly. I think I heard you scream. And you have every right to your scream, but that doesn't make it right that one family must suffer the pain of a thousand. Rage.

Marlayna said...

Kate, I love you and wish I could be there to hold you up so you could hold Steve up.

Kathi said...

Who cares what anyone else thinks or feels at this point Catherine. This isn't happening to them, it's not their nightmare. Whatever it is they are imagining doesn't touch what you are living.

So you go ahead and say exactly what you want and need to say, Rail, scream, rage, don't keep it inside where it will eat away at you.

I love you.

Treggles said...

Boy, you really, really needed to say all that. And I'm glad you did, and I'm glad we're hear to listen. God or no God, you're going through hell* at the moment. Scream as much as you want/need/feel.

Like everyone else, I am so sorry.

*Note to self: can there be a hell if there's no God? Who knows.

Mandy said...

At a loss of words here too. Incredible sadness and rage comsume me as I sit here reading your words. Scream, throw things or write--do whatever you need to get it out. We're here to listen. Thinking of you, Steve, Samuel, Alex and Travis during this horribly unfair time.

gabesmama said...


My heart is broken for your family and for Travis. I think of you all of the time. I wish you strength, peace, and anything I can possibly wish that would ease your family's pain. All of my love--Rebecca

:) n said...

my dear kate,

you have every right to your anger. it's bullshit. i fucking hate this. i just hate it. grief shows no mercy. it destroys what safety we feel in the world.

anyone who thinks saying "well they are together in heaven" is helpful is just ignorant. i got all that shit when my mother died. i don't give one fuck about mom being in heaven. i want her with me, with the grand daughter she never even knew about. fuck heaven. i need her as you need your boys.

grief is cruel, unrelenting and shows no mercy. i'm pissed for you. argh!!! i'm just so made kate.

this is horrible and i'm just honestly so so sorry.

:( n

TNChick said...

Kate, anytime you want to vent your rage, you should. Put yourself first and don't worry what others may think. Those that love you will not think any less of you venting your thoughts, anger, etc. :(

The Lioness said...

I am so sorry, so very sorry. It doesn't help you any but no one should have to be made to endure so much pain so alone. My heart is breaking for you and your husband and your little boys, all of them.

V said...

Hi. I wish I could say I understand how you feel, but I don't. I lost 1 baby, not 2. And I had the privilege of having her company for 11 months, not 0. Can one be worse than the other? Having a baby for 11 months and then having them snatched away? Or not getting the chance to even have 11 beautiful months with them? I feel for you, I feel for myself. Life is just such a bitch. And I thank you for having the courage to vent your feelings like that. Bravo. I have been too mindful of who has been reading my blog to really vent. Maybe it would have helped, I don't know. People, including my husband, keep telling me that my daughter is still here with us. But then why can't I hold her in my arms? Why do my arms feel so empty? I know sorry doesn't really cut it, but I am terribly sorry. This is not something I would wish on anyone, not even once never mind twice. This is probably not helping but I am thinking of you.

Windfall Woman said...

Write all you want. Rave all you want. Cry all you want. You deserve it. But you don't deserve two dead babies.