Kristin ~ You're right. It's 4:30am and I can't sleep and it's time for the ugly to show itself...and I want to write about it. Not because I want to keep it as a memory for myself...but because I need to get it out or it will eat me alive.
If you're sensitive at all...don't read this. I respect you all enough out there in the blogosphere to give you that much warning.
WHAT THE F***?!?!?! What did we do to deserve this?!?!?! I am so absolutely pissed off that I can't see straight!!!
I'm lying in bed thinking about what to say at my son's funeral! Another son...dead on the same God-damned weekend. Left me too soon to be buried in the same place on the hill. This isn't the 18th century! And I don't live in Bangledesh! I've got family who don't even WANT their kids! What the f*** did I do to deserve THIS?!?!?!
I want to destroy something. I want to throw dishes and break everything that is breakable. I want to scream until I have no voice left...and then I want to scream some more. I want to make other people cry. I want someone else to hurt as bad as we are hurting. I am SO TIRED of holding it all together!
I'm tired of family who can't be bothered to even call...or who do call to let us know they'll try to fit us into their "crazy schedule." I'm tired of family who can't be bothered to acknowledge that we lost ONE child...let alone two.
I'm tired of friends who treat me like I have the f***ing plague...it's NOT contagious, you know?!?!
I'm tired of being the God-damned supportive friend who takes care of everyone else while I feel like I'm dead inside. How long can I go through the motions?
There is no God. Do you HEAR ME???? There is no God! I don't care about your peace or your faith or any of that CRAP! Leave me alone! My babies are DEAD! I don't give a shit that they're together in heaven. What good does that do me?!?! NO GOOD! Maybe it helps you...with your healthy, LIVING, children dancing around your feet...but it does not help me one bit.
Yes, this is the ugly. The stuff that I've never had the courage to say out loud for fear people would be offended. Well too f***ing bad folks...here it comes!
Oh yes, it's 4:30am and I can't sleep because this is the stuff I think about.
I think about being in that hospital room all those hours delivering Alex and NOBODY but Steve to hold my hand. Who was holding his? NOBODY! He was left there all alone to be the strong, amazing man that he is...while his heart was breaking into a million pieces. And again in that hospital room delivering Travis and NOBODY cared but MY parents. I think about him holding me up at Alex's funeral...and I worry about him holding me up at Travis' funeral...all alone. And I'm so f***ing pissed off at the world for that...for leaving him all alone.
And I'm so unbelievably scared that I will lose everything. When we met, he wanted six kids. Now what? What do I say to him? I'm sorry just doesn't seem to be enough.
And my poor sweet Samuel. I can't seem to keep a promise to him anymore. And he is so hurt and angry. Why did his brothers leave him all alone? Why did they go to heaven together instead of coming home to play with him?!?!?! How is he not supposed to hate them for turning his mother into this...this person...this bitter, angry, hateful person? this person who says things like, "Oh, Sam, I don't think there are going to be any more babies," when I've dangled the idea of a baby we can dress in red, his favorite color...a "red baby" to play with and love?
I'm so unbelievably angry at Travis. If you were going to die, why did you wait until you were so big? Why did you make me see your image on that damned ultrasound screen and fall in love with you? Why did you make me deliver your dead body into this world only to have to bury you on that hill? WHY?!?!?! My poor, sweet, unfinished Baby Travis.
And me...let's not forget me. This body that I HATE...hate with more passion than I have ever hated anything in this world. What did I think I was doing? Oh yeah...right...I'll just pop out a living baby...no problem. I'll even go shopping! HA! Shopping! What the f*** was I thinking? I bought baby clothes...baby clothes...like I was going to have a baby or something! Oh my God! What an absolute idiot I am! And I didn't even have anything small enough to bury my son in. I planned for a dead baby...but not one this small. I figured I'd at least get to 30 weeks. How f***ing stupid I am! So my boy is going to be buried in donated clothes made special for babies his size...clothes I can freaking make myself for charity but don't have on hand for my own son! I am SO STUPID!
Oh yeah...this is the ugly. And there's more...and I'll get to it. But right now I need to go remember the dead son I delivered last year. And Friday I need to spend time burying the dead son I delivered this year. Calming breaths and peaceful thoughts and all that bullshit...while the ugly festers underneath.
You're right Kristin - writing for me is just what I needed. Now maybe I can sleep some more before the sun comes up.