I'm back to counting weeks.
Tomorrow, me and my unimaginable grief and sorrow will return to work...to my life...as if nothing is different.
Yesterday I hauled my unimaginable grief and sorrow with me to the PAWS 4 A Cause run/walk fundraiser. I wore the XXXL t-shirt that had been ordered special for my pregnant belly and I only briefly cried twice. It was a decent day...the rain held off until we were done. But I walked around as though a blanket were thrown over me...everything muffled by the unbearable wrongness of everything.
"This is one of the things I'm afraid of. The agonies, the mad midnight moments, must, in the course of nature, die away. But what will follow? Just this apathy, this dead flatness? Will there come a time when I no longer ask why the world is like a mean street, because I shall take the squalor as normal? Does grief finally subside into boredom tinged by faint nausea?" --C.S.Lewis--
How do people react to unimaginable grief and sorrow? They tell you they can't imagine what you're going through...that they're thinking of you...and then they return to their life. That's the way it goes.
I'm currently selling all my conception, pregnancy, loss, and pregnancy after loss books on eBay...check em out...prices are very reasonable. I decided to sell them when I consulted the section of Empty Cradle, Broken Heart titled Another Loss.
After your first loss, your greatest fear is that it will happen again. If it does, it can be devestating. You may wonder if it's a sign of deeper problems, a prelude to chronic infertility or an inability to bear a healthy baby. After a number of losses you may feel more anxious than ever when you are pregnant. You may fear that you could never survive another loss. But you are probably more resilient than you think. And you will probably gather up the courage to try again.
PROBABLY?!?!? Gee...thanks for that helpful insight. I guess me and my unimaginable grief and sorrow are on our own.
One week down...how many more are in store?