So it took me 6 months 6 days to have a complete break with reality. I've been through the longest spring, summer, and autumn of my life. And I handled it. Then today, on the drive home, I started to cry as I thought about Alex under all the snow. "Cry" doesn't even really come close to describing it. It was more like hysterical sobbing of the sort I thought I left behind. I KNOW he's not there and not cold. But I literally couldn't breathe with the thought of him alone in the cold without someone to hold him close.
Steve and I commented once that it was always difficult to leave him behind. We left him behind at the hospital. Then again at the Funeral Home. We leave him at the cemetery time and time again. It seems we're always leaving him. But it wasn't until the snow fell today that it felt like it finally broke me.
The fact is, Alex left us...not the other way around. And it's all so final when there's snow sitting on top of his grave. I imagine him in his coffin, surrounded by his blanket and his stuffed dog. But I know his skin is cold...it was cold the day I left him at the hospital...it must be frozen by now. My poor sweet little boy.
When is this going to get better? When am I going to stop having new and exciting nightmare images to fixate on?