Wednesday, November 02, 2005

And time keeps marching on...

I counted.

I shouldn't have, but I counted.

25 weeks.

25 weeks and I barely remember what he looked like. What he felt like.

How can time be so kind and so cruel at the same time?

To forget is to find some peace...and to mourn all the more that I've lost the memories as well.

I've lost my beautiful baby boy.

It seems that it has all changed. I knew it would...even when I hoped it wouldn't.

I haven't made any sense of it yet. It has no meaning still.

I don't go to visit him much anymore. I have a million excuses. I just can't do it.

I feel guilty.

I feel sad.

I feel happy.

I feel empty.

I'm coping.

Sometimes.

Today Sam asked when we could put up the Christmas tree but I have no answer because I dread putting up the Christmas tree.

I dread most everything.

It's not just this Christmas. It's every Christmas for the rest of my life.

It's all the happy moments...and all the moments that should be happy. There will always be something missing...someone missing.

25 weeks.

I shouldn't have counted.

7 comments:

Jill said...

((((HUGS)))) I'm so sorry Catherine:( Sending you peace.

Julie said...

{{{Catherine}}} Thinking of you.

Lisa P. said...

I'm sorry. ((((hugs))))

Sarah said...

I'm sorry. I have similar feelings. I haven't counted in awhile... ok... i just did... 20 weeks on the Sunday coming up. I'm trying to get up the nerve to boycot christmas and convince my mother that she doesn't have to move the holiday to my house (like that will somehow make it better). I’m starting to feel like I’m a different person and don’t know how people even recognize me. I’m starting to forget the feeling of holding Kate … what her weight felt like on my body. I hate that. I don’t have clear picture of her face in my head… I have to use pictures. I hate it that everyone else’s life moves on and mine is stuck. Or feels stuck or changed so much that I don’t recognize it.

Hugs, and tears, and thought for you

R said...

(((((((catherine))))))))
I don't know how it feels to lose a baby, so close to being born. My baby was 16 weeks, and that was hard enough. I am so so so so sorry.

These words just aren't enough. But I am thinking of you.

R

kate said...

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))) I hate that so much, that i can no longer truly remember his face...it feels like such a betrayal somehow.

gabesmama said...

But you haven't missed a moment. I believe Alex is always with you.