I shouldn't have, but I counted.
25 weeks and I barely remember what he looked like. What he felt like.
How can time be so kind and so cruel at the same time?
To forget is to find some peace...and to mourn all the more that I've lost the memories as well.
I've lost my beautiful baby boy.
It seems that it has all changed. I knew it would...even when I hoped it wouldn't.
I haven't made any sense of it yet. It has no meaning still.
I don't go to visit him much anymore. I have a million excuses. I just can't do it.
I feel guilty.
I feel sad.
I feel happy.
I feel empty.
Today Sam asked when we could put up the Christmas tree but I have no answer because I dread putting up the Christmas tree.
I dread most everything.
It's not just this Christmas. It's every Christmas for the rest of my life.
It's all the happy moments...and all the moments that should be happy. There will always be something missing...someone missing.
I shouldn't have counted.