Friday, September 16, 2005

It seems so simple

You just say you're sorry. You don't have to follow it up with any other verbage. I'm sorry. It's simple. Try it.

There are so many people who have surprised me since Alex died. People who have clammed up when I needed them to talk...people who have talked when all I needed was silence. But I've realized recently that I love them all and I have to accept their ability or inability to deal with me and move on. A couple very kind women once told me that I needed to take the lead and let people know how to deal with me. They were right. (Please don't gloat) The problem is, I had to know how I wanted them to deal with me and the emotions were too raw to really make that decision.

Within the past few days, I've realized that the people I have opened up with...the people who allow me to talk about Alex as though he is real...are the people I feel the most comfortable with. So I suppose, in a roundabout way, I've found my way without ever really conscioualy making that decision.

And on the flip side, I've learned that I don't have to be anyone other than myself when someone else faces a crisis. I can offer my love and support and NOT have to worry if I'm doing or saying the right thing. Because I know they will let me know when they are ready to show me how to deal with them. I just keep it simple until then.

I must confess that I still harbor anger. Anger at those who weren't there. Not because they didn't know what to say or do, but because they couldn't fit us in...because their lives were too busy to take the time to acknowlege that we needed love and support. I wish I could find a way to accept their failings as easily. But there is something to be said for just being there...even if you fail miserably. And I think that is why the anger remains. I hope it softens one day...but I'm not holding out much hope that it will ever disappear completely.

So this is part of the new me. I kind of like the new me...even though I still miss the old me. I hope that's ok.


Sarah said...

Glad you're feeling better about some of your friends. I'm working on it.

cat said...

That got me as well... so many of our friends said stupid shit and other just said nothing at all they ignored our losses. A simple we are here or thinking of you would have been nice.

You are swell new, old, whatever as long as it's good for you. *internet hugz*

Jill said...

Thanks for giving me something to think about Catherine:)

And the new you sounds like she's a sensitive, thinking and healthy individual. Seems to me that you've done well - beyond what could be expected - in reaching this point. So yeah, that's ok I think:)

Sherry said...

I sure as heck hope you are telling people more of what you need :) I know I have thought of you, Steve, Sam, and Alex almost daily since Alex died. I wanted you to know - but was so afraid I was saying the wrong things. Especially over the web - I can't read your facial expressions to see if I am causing you more pain. *HUGS* Each time I wrote you I was amazed by your responses - they helped me to know if I was being an idiot or just a friend.