Have I said too much?

Xavier came in to the office to visit today. He's two months old now and smiling and cooing. He's leaving that larva stage. And I realized Alex will never get to know all those milestones. He'll always be newborn and perfect and beautiful...and so missed. Sometimes I can't breathe with how much I miss him.

So after Xavier's visit, another co-worker came in to talk to me about work related issues. We bitched about work for a bit (my boss was quoted in the paper as saying he starts his assistant prosecutors out at $35,000...it seems I must've misplaced $5,000 somewhere...cause it ain't in my bank account)...And then she asked me how I was doing otherwise. I cried, which made her feel really bad...which made me feel really bad. She said she normally doesn't want to ask because she doesn't want to make me feel bad, but then she feels bad for not asking. And I told her I normally don't talk about it because I don't want to cry in front of people and make them feel bad. Ah...the oh-so-fun quandry grief puts us all in. But she let me talk for an hour and said all the right supportive things at all the right intervals. It turns out she lost a 17-year-old sister when she was 8 years old. While not the same, at least she has some inkling of what it's like to lose someone you love.

It feels strange to have someone I work with know all our business. But there is a lightness about it too. I know she'll understand the next time I close my office door or have to excuse myself abruptly from a room. I also told her how I was feeling a bit put off by other people obviously talking about me and clamming up when I walk into a room. I'm kind of hoping that message gets back through the grapevine that normally carries all office gossip.

Oh...and his visit wasn't announced to me for once. I think the last time they came in must've been a tip-off that I just couldn't handle it anymore. What WAS announced was the birthday cake that was available...oh...and Xavier is here. I appreciated that change of focus. :o)


¡P! said…
If I didn't think you had enough troubles in your life, I'd tell you to take that newspaper article in to work, along with a copy of your W-2 from last year, and ask for a raise. But that'd only make things worse at work.

In place of that, might I suggest voodoo? You know, make a little doll of your boss, and every time the subject of money comes up in the office, just give the doll a little jab. He might or might not feel it, but hey, you have no idea how much satisfaction sticking a pin into a doll can be until you've done it a few times.
Catherine said…
You sound like you speak from experience?

And I guess I didn't tell you...it was my boss who provided complimentary photocopies of the newspaper article to all his employees. How's that for nerve?
gabesmama said…
Do you find that you cry when you talk to people about him for the first time? It is like I always have to cry when I talk to someone new and then after that point I get over it and can talk to them about Gabe no problem. Work is so weird. All the distance we put between ourselves and co-workers and then we are with them so much. So you are a prosecutor? I've been trying to figure that out...maybe you've said, but then you sometimes slam lawyers so I wasn't sure. I wanted to be a lawyer, and sometimes still do, but then I got this love for the ridiculous world of publshing....Back to your post...I'm always amazed to find how Gabe's loss has shown me so much hurt in other peoples' lives. This is both good and bad. I now seek out their pain which is creepy but then I have more empathy....

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