Monday, September 12, 2005

Deliberate avoidance

I did it...until late last night. I managed to spend the whole day without falling into a pit of depression about my four-month "anniversary" of Alex's death/birth. I didn't even blog about it because I knew it would bring on tears and that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that doesn't go away for days. Instead, I focused my energy on other things and was able to maintain a smile almost the whole day (aside from the rather embarassing moment caught staring at the pregnant lady).

My son should be four months old. I can't even remember all the things he should be doing right now...all the milestones that are so important to new mothers. And instead of feeling sad, I feel a sense of relief that I was able to avoid the subject for most of the day...and I don't feel guilty for doing so. I wanted some happiness yesterday and I made it for myself by deliberately avoiding all thoughts Alex related. I know I can't do it every day or the grief will bite me on the butt later. But for one day, it was a welcome respite from what I feared would be a horrific onslaught of memories and sadness.

And I do remember...every little detail. I can't stop remembering unless I make the deliberate effort like I made yesterday. It's so exhausting to remember. But it's equally exhausting to try not to remember.

Last night, at 11:38, I looked at the clock and literally felt another month tick by.

At least I've stopped counting the weeks.

4 comments:

Julie said...

You did well; if it worked for you, for a little while, then that's what counts.
I'm sorry.
{{{{Catherine}}}}

Kathy McC said...

I am so sorry. I understand how this feels. A close friend of mine has a little girl born the DAY AFTER my daughters due date. She is now over 5 months old. I see her almost daily...and most of the time I don't dwell. But today I looked at her and thought, "This is how old Adrien would be. She would have been doing all of those things that C is doing now." It gets a bit easier each day but unfortunately it never goes away. (((hugs)))

Jillian said...

In my opinion (and you enabled comments so I'm gonna make you have it!) it's a major corner turned when you realise you can control what you think about for periods of time.

You did so well to get through a tough day on your own terms. ((((hugs))))

Lisa P. said...

You really do inspire me. (And make me realize I have a long way to go... which is totally messed up.)

(((hugs)))

Mom

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