Monday, September 12, 2005

Deliberate avoidance

I did it...until late last night. I managed to spend the whole day without falling into a pit of depression about my four-month "anniversary" of Alex's death/birth. I didn't even blog about it because I knew it would bring on tears and that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that doesn't go away for days. Instead, I focused my energy on other things and was able to maintain a smile almost the whole day (aside from the rather embarassing moment caught staring at the pregnant lady).

My son should be four months old. I can't even remember all the things he should be doing right now...all the milestones that are so important to new mothers. And instead of feeling sad, I feel a sense of relief that I was able to avoid the subject for most of the day...and I don't feel guilty for doing so. I wanted some happiness yesterday and I made it for myself by deliberately avoiding all thoughts Alex related. I know I can't do it every day or the grief will bite me on the butt later. But for one day, it was a welcome respite from what I feared would be a horrific onslaught of memories and sadness.

And I do remember...every little detail. I can't stop remembering unless I make the deliberate effort like I made yesterday. It's so exhausting to remember. But it's equally exhausting to try not to remember.

Last night, at 11:38, I looked at the clock and literally felt another month tick by.

At least I've stopped counting the weeks.

5 comments:

Julie said...

You did well; if it worked for you, for a little while, then that's what counts.
I'm sorry.
{{{{Catherine}}}}

Kathy McC said...

I am so sorry. I understand how this feels. A close friend of mine has a little girl born the DAY AFTER my daughters due date. She is now over 5 months old. I see her almost daily...and most of the time I don't dwell. But today I looked at her and thought, "This is how old Adrien would be. She would have been doing all of those things that C is doing now." It gets a bit easier each day but unfortunately it never goes away. (((hugs)))

Jill said...

In my opinion (and you enabled comments so I'm gonna make you have it!) it's a major corner turned when you realise you can control what you think about for periods of time.

You did so well to get through a tough day on your own terms. ((((hugs))))

Lisa P. said...

You really do inspire me. (And make me realize I have a long way to go... which is totally messed up.)

(((hugs)))

Bronwyn said...

These milestones are hard to take sometimes, but you did a great job getting through it. I wish more than anything that we could all have our babies with us, but short of that it's good that we have each other to pour our hearts out to. (((Big hug)))