One of the paralegals in my office went to see the coworker who had her baby this week. She said she is a "completely transformed woman...everything about her is different...her aura...everything. You know what having a child does for a woman." I so desperately wanted to ask her what has changed about me since having lost Alex...but I didn't want her to think I'm completely self-involved.
But I do wonder. Am I a transformed woman? Or am I the same person, just going through a rough time right now? I feel different. But perhaps that is just grief and mourning talking, and it will wear off in time. Maybe the transformation comes AFTER the grief has subsided.
I must admit that I have never felt particularly "grown up." I have generally felt as though I'm play acting at this grown up thing. Faking it, if you will. So I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to see myself. Fact is, I'm a reasonably intelligent, well-educated, underpaid professional. That's not so childlike. I have an amazing husband, one beautiful living son, and one stillborn son. Definitely not so childlike. So why is it I have such a hard time taking ownership of my own life?
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You're a transformed woman.
At least I know I am.
Maybe there isn't an aura of beautiful light surrounding your glowing face; maybe it feels more like a shadow of clouds muting the streaks of tears. But deep down, you are changed, you will never be the same, and the grief will not completely subside.
One "positive", I guess, that I have found, is my hubby and I are much calmer now. Our outlook on life and all of its B.S. is one of more tolerance, don't sweat the small stuff, we've handled worse crap, big deal. You know? I'm more friendly to others, because my shell has some serious cracks in it. I don't know so-and-so's story, maybe she/he has some bad things happen, too. Of course, this hasn't stopped me from being hurt and angry, if not downright judgmental, when some a-hole says something hurtful and inappropriate, or is just too stupid to know MY PAIN. But sticks, and stones, you know. Nothing compares to this, the world can give me a shit sandwich and I'd just put it in the cooler with the others.
Maybe I am still bitter. hmmm.
But I think you're doing rather well, considering, and I admire you. {{hugs}} :-)
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