One of the paralegals in my office went to see the coworker who had her baby this week. She said she is a "completely transformed woman...everything about her is different...her aura...everything. You know what having a child does for a woman." I so desperately wanted to ask her what has changed about me since having lost Alex...but I didn't want her to think I'm completely self-involved.
But I do wonder. Am I a transformed woman? Or am I the same person, just going through a rough time right now? I feel different. But perhaps that is just grief and mourning talking, and it will wear off in time. Maybe the transformation comes AFTER the grief has subsided.
I must admit that I have never felt particularly "grown up." I have generally felt as though I'm play acting at this grown up thing. Faking it, if you will. So I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to see myself. Fact is, I'm a reasonably intelligent, well-educated, underpaid professional. That's not so childlike. I have an amazing husband, one beautiful living son, and one stillborn son. Definitely not so childlike. So why is it I have such a hard time taking ownership of my own life?