Friday, July 22, 2005

Nightmares

Someone told me that if I give a voice to my nightmares then they won't be able to hurt me anymore. So I'm giving it a try here. I've had a couple of doozies in the past few days that have left me, quite literally, shaking and sick feeling. I have, of course, had your standard nightmares after losing a baby...how he died, me trying to save him but nobody will listen, horrible "it's all a mistake" autopsy and burial nightmares...the list of hits keeps coming. These all keep me from sleeping soundly most nights.

But somewhere between sleep and waking yesterday I had the most disturbing one. Alex was there in bed between Sam and I. I could see his face, feel his warmth, hear him breathing. For the briefest of moments, I felt what it would have felt like to wake up to the sight of my two boys next to me. I was wonderfully happy. Then I realized I couldn't move...I was frozen in my place. I couldn't reach out and touch either of my boys.

Then Alex wasn't breathing anymore and there was nothing I could do to help him because I couldn't move. And Sam was yelling at me that Alex was sick and why didn't I help him?

My eyes opened and I could still see him laying there. I reached out my arm to touch him and made contact with Sam's stuffed dog. I flung it across the bed in frustration and the image was gone.

7 comments:

MB said...

Oh Catherine, I'm sorry. What a horrible way to spend your nights. Mine seem to have gotten better over time. I hope yours give you a break too.

M

lauralu said...

five months out, i'm dreaming more about bacon than hans. so there's hope.

Catherine said...

lol...yes...but I'm not planning on becoming a vegetarian anytime soon.

Jill said...

Oh Catherine...what an awful dream ((HUGS)). I hope you find some peace in your sleep soon. No one can survive being so frightened and scared all the time.

Your knitting is lovely too. You are very neat at it:)

Julie said...

I'm sorry you had such a vivid and frightening dream. I hope you are able to get some solid rest, soon.

gabesmama said...

For a while, I didn't even want to go to sleep since I feared the nightmares that I would have. Sometimes they were about the end of the world, often times about bombs.

Holley said...

Big hugs. I think you will reach a point with fewer nightmares.