Someone told me that if I give a voice to my nightmares then they won't be able to hurt me anymore. So I'm giving it a try here. I've had a couple of doozies in the past few days that have left me, quite literally, shaking and sick feeling. I have, of course, had your standard nightmares after losing a baby...how he died, me trying to save him but nobody will listen, horrible "it's all a mistake" autopsy and burial nightmares...the list of hits keeps coming. These all keep me from sleeping soundly most nights.
But somewhere between sleep and waking yesterday I had the most disturbing one. Alex was there in bed between Sam and I. I could see his face, feel his warmth, hear him breathing. For the briefest of moments, I felt what it would have felt like to wake up to the sight of my two boys next to me. I was wonderfully happy. Then I realized I couldn't move...I was frozen in my place. I couldn't reach out and touch either of my boys.
Then Alex wasn't breathing anymore and there was nothing I could do to help him because I couldn't move. And Sam was yelling at me that Alex was sick and why didn't I help him?
My eyes opened and I could still see him laying there. I reached out my arm to touch him and made contact with Sam's stuffed dog. I flung it across the bed in frustration and the image was gone.