Thursday, July 14, 2005

Blame

It seems there is enough guilt and blame when you lose a baby to blanket the whole world.

I blame myself. What did I DO that could have caused Alex's body to grow oddly like it did? What did I do to cause the blood vessel in his brain to explode like it did? What could I have done differently?

I blame my doctor. Why was I treated like nothing could go wrong? Why didn't someone tell me things to watch out for that could indicate a problem?

I blame my insurance company. Why do they only pay for two ultrasounds? Why is my baby's death a calculated business risk to them?

I blame God. Why didn't he stop this from happening? Or the alternative...why did he make this happen? Or yet a third option...why is he powerless to do anything?

I blame genetics. Where in my family tree did this defect come from?

But the one thing I wasn't prepared for is that there are people out there that will also blame me for Alex's death. You can see it on their faces and hear it in their voices. They are thinking to themselves, "You must have done something to cause this. Either you physically harmed him, or you brought bad karma on yourself and you deserve this as some sort of cosmic retribution."

Now maybe they're just trying to make sense of a nonsensical situation. Or maybe they really believe I'm a bad person and somehow deserved this. But I wonder...if I inquired further...would they say that they really believe bad things only happen for a reason? Do bad things only really happen to bad people? Is there always a sense of justice in every single thing that happens in the world?

I'm not much up for philosophical discussions with people just yet, so I keep it to myself and blog about it here. It bugs the snot out of me when I feel that disapproval and blame being tossed out my direction. And someday I'm going to let loose on someone. You'll probably hear the explosion from wherever you are.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

Oh Catherine. What you're feeling is so normal and I know that anger because I feel it too! Just don't blame yourself (I know, easier said than done!) because you did not do anything to cause your loss. It's hard to hear but it's true.

As for the ultrasounds...I have a different opinion of them. I had 9 or so in the 21 weeks I was pregnant, including a level two u/s just days before I lost the baby. So don't be mad you didn't get enough - I think I had too much.

Hang in there. Email me whenever you'd like.