Thursday, January 21, 2016

Where we are today

So...I can see I've only used this place as a dumping ground for a while. I know it's no fun to read...so I locked it down so nobody can read. I'd say it defeats the purpose of writing it...but I'm not sure what the purpose of writing it actually is anymore.

The last we left our little hamlet, the older boy was entering middle school and the younger was entering kindergarten. Then there was a lot of random grief and self-pity here for a couple years. And now here we are. The older boy is on the verge of graduating middle school and the younger boy is astonishing us all with his mastery of second grade skills. So here's the roundup 2016 Xmas letter I didn't send...for my benefit and yours.

Sam has not adjusted well to the demands of middle school. For the most part, his grades are average because he is not motivated and he has ZERO organizational skills. I'm hoping he'll get there...to that point where he "gets it" and is willing to make the personal investment. But I fear he's a little more laid back than that (like his father...which is very distressing for me/the planner-and-rule-follower). He plays the trombone really well for his age...and he seems to enjoy it (we just paid it off yesterday...so I hope he enjoys it for a while longer). In exchange for a car ride home from school every day, he is now practicing...which I hope will serve him well in high school band.

Myles proudly told me that he is the BEST reader in his class and he is reading at a FIFTH grade level (he is the ONLY one in his class who is allowed to read that level). He has terrible handwriting...an inherited trait that no amount of practice is going to overcome, I'm afraid. That's ok...he's learning early that it's ok to not be perfect. He has decided that this year our new year's resolution is "to be more positive (yay!)." I'm along for the ride...and it has definitely helped me find a smile a couple of times I probably wouldn't have otherwise.

Steve is Steve. Unshakable. Unbreakable. Like a rock. This is good and bad...but neither of us is a saint...so I guess I'll leave that alone.

Me? Well...I'm not sure who I am anymore. I hate my job at the Prosecutor's office, but I can't afford to quit it without causing further financial damage (our bankruptcy was just discharged...so I should at least pretend to be an adult for a while). I love my job as a photographer...but my business is not at the stage I would like it to be...and that is frustrating me somewhat. I'm overweight and I wear a fitbit...but my treadmill is very very very quiet. My children would love to eat meals at the dining room table...but when I sit at the table, I see all the things wrong with my house [the home improvement sort of stopped for a while]...so I eat upstairs in bed or in the office (I REALLY want to modify this behavior...I think it will be good for all of us...but the house just needs so much work and it's exhausting just thinking about it). I don't think this is depression...I think this is mid-life...and, quite honestly, it ain't all that wonderful. I know I could do things to live with more intention...be present...create meaning...zzzzzzzz. It's hard to get excited about anything when you realize the best Christmas gift you received was a humidifier. I mean...really...I love that thing...and now I feel OLD!

This is fun...I think I'm going to try to make this a habit. I feel all kinds of guilt and sadness that so many years were lost in grief and sadness. So I'm working hard to make up for it. Disneyland in 2014. Washington DC in 2015. Goal...Ireland in 2017 or 2018 (fingers crossed). But I also need to do better with the daily record. I need to create something so my children will know that I wasn't always this miserable creature with a broken heart. Honestly...the BEST moments of every day are when I arrive home and I hear, "Is that mom? MOMMY!" [and they come running to greet me with hugs and kisses...both of them]. I love those moments...and I want to remember them forever. And since my mind is less and less likely to actually REMEMBER anything...I think I should write these things down.

Yeah...more fun...less woe-is-me! Here we go!

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