Thursday, January 27, 2011

Why? Goodbye, that's why.

Not supposed to blog while drunk...but I can't help myself.

Why do I have this blog? I have no battles to fight anymore. And that's really what makes a good blog, isn't it? Unless you're reading for some educational value (how to sew, how to scrapbook, how to photograph, etc), it's all about watching someone battle until they are either bloodied or triumphant. Will they or won't they...x...y...z...? Rubber-necking at its finest.

I started this blog to keep in touch with family. Now they're all either dead or so depressed by what I write that they don't read anymore. I was supposed to write about the adventures of our lives with my little family of four. But it wasn't this family of four. I can never escape that. And when I write about it I always wonder what that other life would have looked like...where grandma didn't pay for a headstone for our baby Alex. We wouldn't have known Myles (the Sophie's Choice of it all is so dramatic).

Does that make sense? I don't know...I've had a really big glass of red wine.

So my choices are to (1) smile and make lemonade (in which case I may have to puke at my own positivity); or (2) continue moaning and groaning about what a real mess it all is...this life I'm living (in which case I may have to puke at my own negativity).

I don't particularly like me anymore...in case you didn't notice.

I'm just too tired to write about battles. And I don't believe in fairytale happily ever afters either. Grandma's dead...so what are the rubber neckers looking for here now?

I want to write about the $12 of fabric I bought today that will be a Valentine's photo backdrop for my friend's baby girl (not for my boys because...well...boys don't do Valentine's photos once they learn the word "no")...how I'm going to spend tomorrow cutting out paper hearts to hang (for a DIY feel)...and I really hope they turn out. I have a vision...now I just need to execute it.

But really...I know nobody who is left reading this blog really wants to read about any of that. That might have been good stuff for the original audience of mom, grandmas, and aunts...

But now...?

Now I think it's time to shut this thing down.

To quote my eight-year-old...

Catherine's out...PEACE!

13 comments:

KB said...

For what it's worth, I'll miss your blog. Especially the ones about the animals!

marcia said...

I'm too tired to think straight, but I will say that I hope this is just the wine talking, and you will reconsider sometime soon, in the light of day! However, your blog has not been written for me(Duh!:))...it is your space, your needs, your time, your desires, and, as always, you need to do what you need to do for you! Maybe this place has served its purpose in your life, and there are other, better, things for you to be doing with your time, now. Just know that you will be missed!

Mrs. Fun said...

This makes me sad...makes me long for more.....more you....more everyday life...more sam quotes...
'i love you!!

lorem ipsum said...

*I* want to read about your fabric and paper hearts and presents for your friend's baby. And I want to hear about you drinking and going to the park and moaning and groaning and rescuing dogs and having random thoughts. I want to see that laughter and share your ache when you're sad. Because it's all about ME, ME, ME, and I for one would miss you a hell of a lot if you ended this.

eve.

Jaye said...

When I truly found myself at the point where I had no battles left to fight, I found I was at a turning point. I didn't recognize it for what it was and it did come out of nowhere and take me by surprise. My hope for you is that you are at that same point and that there is true happiness and joy waiting for you and your beautiful boys just around the corner.

Cheesy internet hugs to you, dear Kate. {{{hugs!!}}}

Michele said...

I'm still here. :) I hope you will be too.

Yo-yo Mama said...

Blog = Personal Web Log

Even if that means blogging about the latest craft project that is made up of clothes dryer lint IF that's what YOU want to write about. Don't worry about us rubber neckers out here and whether or not we have our own lint to make the project. If we or anyone else doesn't want to read about it, we wouldn't be here.

Good god. That hardly made any sense and I haven't had any wine yet.

How's the hangover?

LawMommy said...

I'm pretty sure there is a middle ground between the lemonade and the darkness.

I hope you find it. :-)

And if you want to start writing again, I'm still leaving you in my blog reader.

MB said...

I totally get it and I know where to find you. Hugs.

Holley said...

I still read no matter what. Love you.

Pipsylou said...

I like fabric and paper hearts and your creativity in general.

That said, understand the need to leave.

Love you.

Beruriah said...

I like your blog. But if the blog isn't helping, well, I'll miss you but understand.

Thank you, so much, for sharing this little bit of your life with me.

Vannessa said...

I totally understand how you feel. I started my blog also to keep family and friends updated and then it became an outlet for my grief. This was when I started reading your blog. At first it was because, even though our situations were a little different, I could so much identify with what you were going through. Then later I kept checking just to see if you were 'ok'. I stopped updating my blog long ago, just now and then I feel the need to maybe vent a little. Then I started a new family blog, which I am also not very good at updating!
I will miss your blog but I hope you find some measure of happiness in the future. Maybe you can also pop in every now and then to vent or just let us know how you are doing.
Bye
Vannessa