Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Still here

No, I'm not pregnant.
No, I'm not suicidal.
No, I'm not happy or sad or...anything really.

I'm just not sure what to do with this space. I feel anchored by what I've written here. Weighed down. Stuck. I get the urge to rearrange things in an attempt to shake this feeling. I didn't want to talk about it or be all dramatic with goodbye, so I just shut things down...which I should've realized would result in having to field multiple inquiries from friends and family...and thus, forcing me to talk about it.

Then this morning I posted a facebook status update that said, "Would give just about anything to be able to stay in bed and sleep more this morning." A friend with a three week old newborn responded, "I would dream of this if I could sleep long enough to dream!" I deleted her comment and came back here.

So now I guess I need to figure out what to say. I don't want to be all about the sadness that's creeping in around the edges and preventing me from putting up the Christmas tree. I don't want to be all about the disappointment that Things Remembered no longer offers Make-A-Wish ornaments like the ones I got for the first four boys...or how it's actually kind of fitting if I think about it. I don't want every damn thing to be tainted.

I guess it's not the blog after all. It's my past I want to break free from. But who doesn't, right?

So I better think of something to say...

Work is ridiculous. On Monday I had to walk through snow drifts to get into my office building...because the new handicap accessible ramp was closed because it didn't yet have a handrail installed. Yesterday I was asked, "Are you still uncertain in this matter or has it been clarified?" Today I had to scavenge in empty offices for a power strip for my work computer.

Christmas plans are slowly coming together. Steve forgot to move the boys' Christmas gifts from the back of the van Sunday evening and almost ruined Christmas entirely for the kids. We are hosting a holiday party for the APL for which we are terribly unprepared. I still need to get gifts for my side of the family and have no idea if I should buy something for my sister-in-law who hates me. I really want Christmas cookies, but they aren't gluten free and I don't want to bake.

OK...let's try to spin this...

Work brings a new learning experience every day. I have learned to be more resourceful and less dependent on the convenience of technology. It's almost...nostalgic...which is just heartwarming.

Christmas is on it's way and I am looking forward to spending more time with my family and friends. I'm wishing for peace and comfort for everyone who needs it this holiday season. And I'm maintaining healthy eating habits despite the temptations of holiday baked goods.

There.

But you know, that really just makes me wonder about all those wonderfully happy and warm blogs I read. What are they really hiding? lol!

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Myles: "Why you hang those lights up there?"
Me: "For Christmas."
Myles: "You make the house pretty!"

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Me: "I'm trusting you to spend your Secret Santa Shoppe money..."
Sam: "Wisely...I KNOW...I WILL."

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What do I get my husband for Christmas this year that will make up for ruining Christmas for pretty much forever? He says he doesn't want anything...and I want to smack him because there has got to be something...some shiny new THING that will distract from who is not here this year...ANYTHING.

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So yeah...still here and still looking for something to say.

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6 comments:

LawMommy said...

Say whatever you want to say. Somebody is bound to listen. :-)

I think I had the pleasure of being in your county courthouse a few weeks ago. (At least, the county whose Animal Protection League you have mentioned before.) All I will say is, it took me 4 hours to drive there. And I had to drive through Cleveland in rush hour. I was practically hyperventilating when the mediator suggested another mediation, and agreed to let me appear next time by phone. That was nice of her.

Rosepetal said...

I'm still here too and reading regularly. I don't know what to say and so say nothing (yeah, I became one of those people, I'm sorry and I suck).

I know one day can seem better than another and then it all comes crashing down again and you wait for that better day to come again.

Lots of love.

sarahbobeara said...

you're here. i'm here. we're here together. (yay!) hugs for you kate.

Beruriah said...

Indeed, who doesn't want to break free from all this?

Got my husband a $20 bottle of whiskey for Chanukkah. He seemed pleased with it.

Pipsylou said...

I didn't email you about the blog because that is the most annoying thing ever...the minute you password protect, then people come crawling out of the woodwork to get the password. ANNOYING.

I figured you either just wanted it private or you just needed that space with just a few friends.

I haven't been blogging much either because I don't have much to say. It gets old after awhile, saying the same thing.

Very astute, you figuring out "it's my past i want to break free from."

Where is that magic potion.

kate said...

glad you are back, even if you are looking for something to say.

What does every man need? A small pocket flashlight...or so they tell me. They certainly are shiny...