Another year down

2010 in review...

January
I will endeavor to post something here every single day this year.

February
Today is my official birthday, but I have been celebrating all weekend already.

March
Mom's ok.

April
I try to tell myself I am other things, besides pregnant.

May
I entered a contest. (Update: I didn't win anything.)

June
I'd like to thank Jen, who sent me several books, but I don't know which one to thank.

July
I will take McDonald's dinners to the park and watch Sam and Myles play.

August
This weekend was my 20th high school reunion.

September
Blogger has added stats capabilities.

October
I find myself struggling with impatience these days.

November
Yes, I've moved the virtual furniture around here.

December
No, I'm not pregnant.

Blah! This year was a snooze.

So let's see...what can I tell you that will knock your socks off?

Nothing!

I'm as bored and boring as ever...and I LIKE IT THAT WAY!

SO THERE!

Happy New Year! Here is hoping that 2011 is kind to you.

"I went on ancestry.com and found out my great great grandmother had five children and only one survived. It can be so easy to forget how lucky you are."

Dear ancestry.com:

Thanks for that. And just so you know...I will NEVER use your service.

Sincerely,
Feeling lucky two my five survived

Congratulations

Please stop over to Rachel's place and wish her well on her new pregnancy.

Decorating the xmas tree

Sam: Myles, do you know that you have two other brothers?

Myles: No.

Sam: Do you wanna know their names?

Myles: Yes.

Sam: Alex and Travis.

Myles: Alex and Travis.

Sam: Yep...but they died.

Myles: [blank stare]

Sometimes I don't know whether to cry or laugh.

To the future...

I caught myself watching the 700 Club Interactive the other. No, don't have a heart attack, I haven't found Jesus or anything like that. They had this young couple who had lost their first born daughter shortly after birth. They talked all about God, of course, and I bristled when the woman said that God had made them a promise of more children in the future. But her hope was almost palpable. And when she said that she liked to think of the generations of people they will give birth to...generations that otherwise would not have existed...I wept. Ignoring the naivete of her certainty that she will a living child, I had my own lightbulb moment...

We are mother and father...we will hopefully be grandmother and grandfather...there is a thread here that would not have existed...if...

"They" were right...with time, there is comfort in looking forward instead of back...looking at what we HAVE instead of what we are missing. 

We are fully aware that not everyone is as lucky.

So today I will be content to dream of the generations we have given birth to instead of the generations lost.

And enjoy moments like these...

Daily affirmations

While sitting in a continuing legal education class yesterday, I marvelled at the egos of the other lawyers in the room. During a discussion of professionalism I had to stifle a laugh when someone actually said, "People think lawyers, as a group, are just BETTER than other people." I certainly don't think of myself that way. In fact, I often discount my knowledge to the point that I may be making my own clients disrespect me and my opinions. As Dr. Phil says...You teach people how to treat you.

Then this morning, I read this short online "bio" and I was...I guess "impressed" is the word I would use. "I work by day as a systems integrator, by night I'm a photographer, a husband and a father." It sounds so...I don't know...cool (yes, I AM still twelve years old apparently). But when I say something similar about myself, I feel...embarrassed...shy...apologetic. As if I'm not worth the word "photographer." As if my dreams are somehow less than someone else's.

I know when this happened to me. I can pinpoint the day...the exact moment...when I became so uncertain of myself and everything I wanted out of this life. I let my contemplations about what meanings may/not be applied to certain (random) acts interfere with LIVING my life.

The other day, Sam said to me, "Mom, you know I'm your whole reason for living," and I felt as though I'd been physically punched. I do live for my family and I find great joy in them. But I am not happy living for my family to the exclusion of just about everything else. I've lost myself.

I have to thank my friend, Misti, too. For posting a link on her blog to this. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea. But I'll take inspiration wherever I can find it. I obviously need it if I'm ever going to find HER again. I know she's in here somewhere.

Still here

No, I'm not pregnant.
No, I'm not suicidal.
No, I'm not happy or sad or...anything really.

I'm just not sure what to do with this space. I feel anchored by what I've written here. Weighed down. Stuck. I get the urge to rearrange things in an attempt to shake this feeling. I didn't want to talk about it or be all dramatic with goodbye, so I just shut things down...which I should've realized would result in having to field multiple inquiries from friends and family...and thus, forcing me to talk about it.

Then this morning I posted a facebook status update that said, "Would give just about anything to be able to stay in bed and sleep more this morning." A friend with a three week old newborn responded, "I would dream of this if I could sleep long enough to dream!" I deleted her comment and came back here.

So now I guess I need to figure out what to say. I don't want to be all about the sadness that's creeping in around the edges and preventing me from putting up the Christmas tree. I don't want to be all about the disappointment that Things Remembered no longer offers Make-A-Wish ornaments like the ones I got for the first four boys...or how it's actually kind of fitting if I think about it. I don't want every damn thing to be tainted.

I guess it's not the blog after all. It's my past I want to break free from. But who doesn't, right?

So I better think of something to say...

Work is ridiculous. On Monday I had to walk through snow drifts to get into my office building...because the new handicap accessible ramp was closed because it didn't yet have a handrail installed. Yesterday I was asked, "Are you still uncertain in this matter or has it been clarified?" Today I had to scavenge in empty offices for a power strip for my work computer.

Christmas plans are slowly coming together. Steve forgot to move the boys' Christmas gifts from the back of the van Sunday evening and almost ruined Christmas entirely for the kids. We are hosting a holiday party for the APL for which we are terribly unprepared. I still need to get gifts for my side of the family and have no idea if I should buy something for my sister-in-law who hates me. I really want Christmas cookies, but they aren't gluten free and I don't want to bake.

OK...let's try to spin this...

Work brings a new learning experience every day. I have learned to be more resourceful and less dependent on the convenience of technology. It's almost...nostalgic...which is just heartwarming.

Christmas is on it's way and I am looking forward to spending more time with my family and friends. I'm wishing for peace and comfort for everyone who needs it this holiday season. And I'm maintaining healthy eating habits despite the temptations of holiday baked goods.

There.

But you know, that really just makes me wonder about all those wonderfully happy and warm blogs I read. What are they really hiding? lol!

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Myles: "Why you hang those lights up there?"
Me: "For Christmas."
Myles: "You make the house pretty!"

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Me: "I'm trusting you to spend your Secret Santa Shoppe money..."
Sam: "Wisely...I KNOW...I WILL."

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What do I get my husband for Christmas this year that will make up for ruining Christmas for pretty much forever? He says he doesn't want anything...and I want to smack him because there has got to be something...some shiny new THING that will distract from who is not here this year...ANYTHING.

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So yeah...still here and still looking for something to say.

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