Tuesday, July 13, 2010

And yet...

I was reading this post over at Glow in the Woods today. The author asked, "How have subsequent changes in your life been colored by your loss? How has your grief changed to accommodate new circumstances?"

My answer? I feel like I'm in a snowglobe that's all shaken up. Things are slowly settling back into new places...some are CLOSE to where they used to be...but just not quite in the RIGHT spot. I can rearrange things, of course, but it's all just so overwhelming that I'd rather sit and look around and think, "Well...this sucks." And yet, I don't WANT to be THAT person.

People tell me they admire me. People tell me I'm "so strong," and I laugh at the absurdity of it all...because I feel anything BUT admirable or strong. I feel. I think. I fear. I hope. I live. And yet something is just not quite right. I try too hard to force things because I want to be...I don't know...happy...satisfied...settled...I don't know how to describe it. I want...something...I'm not sure what it is...but I'm afraid it's something I will never have. Does that make ANY sense?

4 comments:

Curls O Fred said...

complete sense. ((hugs))

msfitzita said...

Yes. Total and complete sense.

Pipsylou said...

Yup. Absolute sense. I feel sometimes like that "third child" has become mythical...and even if/when that child comes to live at our house, I will always feel like something is missing.

I don't know if it's my lack of a relationship with God that I'm craving, or something else...but it's not having another child...that's just a symptom.

This comment box is my therapist.

lorem ipsum said...

Of course it makes sense. When every window in your house is broken time and time again, is the view ever the same?

After hearing a billion times (even before pregnancy...and loss), 'It's making you stronger,' I said...

I'M SICK OF BEING STRONG. I WANT RESULTS.