Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I wonder

From An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination...

"When I've thought of Claudelle since Pudding's death, it's been with sympathy: she must feel terrible. I've never wandered further down that road, wondered whether she feels cupable, whether she worries that she's the villain in our version of the story. I've never wondered whether it's terrible that we simply diappeared--because we did disappear, soon enough after that day we erased ourselves from that part of the world as completely as we could--or a relief. Maybe it's a relief. Maybe every day we stayed gone was a relief to her. Or maybe it was just one of those sad things that happens when you're in the mostly joyful business of childbirth, and she never thinks of us at all."

I wonder if she thinks of us...the doctor who was so dismissive when I was sick during my pregnancy with Alex. The doctor who did no testing to see if Baby Alex was doing ok. The doctor who was so sure gestational diabetes had something to do with his death. The doctor who lied to me about his cause of death (over the phone)and would've let me believe that lie forever had I not asked for a copy of the autopsy report.

I wonder if we ever cross her mind at all.

And if we do...I wonder what that's like for her.

I hope she knows we hate her...even if we never said it directly to her.

3 comments:

Pipsylou said...

You have to wonder, don't you?

Ever since Lucy's been born we've had many conversations about how doctors don't really know as much as we once thought they did.

Yo-yo Mama said...

Frankly, I would find it difficult to not have said it directly to her, but it's easy for me to say that from here.

niobe said...

I'm sure the doctors have already forgotten me. I've certainly forgotten them.