Tuesday, April 27, 2010

On fairness and being fine

Today, April 27th, I managed to perform in four court cases without any tears...even when asked how my family is doing. Progress.

It hardly seems like any time passed between December 23rd and April 7th. And then today, I took the phone call from Dr. A's office asking me what days Steve needed FMLA. Shit, I was 19 weeks pregnant at this time just three weeks ago! I can't even really remember it. And then I go to bed and my mind wanders and it all comes flooding back...and I feel like I could die. Except I know I can't because there are three other people (I love more than life itself) who rely on me...and I would NEVER intentionally do ANYTHING that would make them sad or hurt. But still...

How am I supposed to do this? Nobody can tell me. I desperately want them to tell me...to take it out of my control again. It only seems fair. If the dead baby part of it was out of my control, then the healing part of it should be taken care of as well (call it simple courtesy).

But there are no real answers.

I have a brick-like urn filled with our baby's ashes...a baby I can't really remember but who takes up too much of my heart. A baby I'm not sure I want to remember.

I think Little Bug liked when I would sing along with certain songs on the radio. I think Little Bug liked when I ate certain foods. That's it. That's all I've got to hold onto. Half-stories added to the collection of what I'd like to believe was true.

PLEASE...somebody tell me how to live with this for the rest of my life?!?!

No...don't. It'll only make me want to scream at the unfairness of it all...

That's what I said to myself in the shower after I dopplered and realized I was alone again. I said, "It's not fair." Over and over again, I didn't yell, or cry, or throw a fit. I simply said, "It's not fair." Which, if you think about it, is laughable. Because, really, how could I POSSIBLY think life would be fair to us now? If ANYONE should know life isn't fair...

And yet that is what I said.

And when asked today, I said my family was "fine."

We are as far from fine as you can get.

And it's not fair.


kate said...

No, it's not. It's not fair and it's wrong.

I have been thinking about this -- this question of fairness, of hope -- over the last two weeks. With no profound answer, i assure you. I wrote a long comment but i was not sure what i wrote was comprehensible, and i didn't want to post garbled drunken nonsense on your blog. But i did want you to know i was reading, and thinking of you.

Beruriah said...

It's not fair. I don't know. I completely lack in answers, for anyone on anything. Except if you ask me for my educated opinion on something that occurred over 140 years ago. Can you wait that long? Sorry, that probably wasn't funny.

Like Kate said, I'm reading. I'm thinking of you.