Friday, December 19, 2008

My grief resume

Sometimes I read the blogs of new deadbabymama's and there is so much I want to say. Reassurances and cautions...hopes and warnings.

I've been where you are. I have navigated the path. And even if my choices are not your choices and you must blaze your own trail, there are things that are common...even for individual grief.

But I don't.

Instead, I offer, "I hope you find what you're looking for," or, "Be kind to yourself."

Because it isn't my place. I'm not qualified to offer anything.

I still cry. Not every day. But more often than before.

Before. I hate that word.

I AM happy. I have a LOT of happiness in my life. Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I won't feel the emptiness quite so deeply in those two spaces in my heart that happiness does not touch.

And then maybe I'll be qualified to say something.

6 comments:

ms. G said...

Catherine, this is a very good post. I am happy, but I cry more than BEFORE too.

miraclebaby said...

I think it's because there really is nothing to say. Everyone's grief is so different...

Julia said...

I think I have reconciled myself to never being happy in the same way again. I don't cry cry as often, but my soul hurts, all the time. It's been a tough season here...

And I know that place that happiness does not touch. I'm happy, just not wholly, not with abandon.

Rosepetal said...

Ditto exactly what Julia said.

Beruriah said...

You know, I could just say, ditto what Julia said. And it would be true.

But there are times seriously, when my Baby Man does make me feel wholly happy, with abandon. And then I remember, and that makes me sad. But sometimes I think, sometimes, and I would never ever say this makes for a reason, or a good that came out of Natan's death. But I must confess that sometimes I think I am happier in those moments than I might have been before simply because it seems like such an incredible mercy that Baby Man is even here.

The Narcissist said...

I have this entry saved on my bloglines feed, and I look at it time to time. It resonated with me then. Thought it might resonate with you again..seeing a new comment here might bring you back.

We all have words we want to say, want to erase your pain. Some of us know, others can only imagine, but all of us care. And I hope in some small way it helps.