Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Oh snaps!

The thing about looking at a picture or watching a movie or reading a book (or a blog) is that it forces you to live in the moment. There is no distraction. Your mind does not wander to the fifty other things you should/could be doing. You are exactly where you are...attentive...focused.

My clothes dryer has decided to be less than snap-friendly and I now have to snap all 374 snaps on the baby's clothing before drying them or they get caught in the drum and come out with scorch marks. Standing there snapping all those snaps, I started to feel impatient. So much time snapping little snaps. I could be doing something productive (like blogging, perhaps). For some reason, though, with each snap I started to feel lighter. I can't adequately describe the feeling. As I snapped, I thought of snuggles and giggles and that look of wonder Myles gets in his eyes when he discovers a new thing (like the cat...LOVES the cat). Images of moments flashed in my memory as I kept snapping...onesies and sleepers and rompers. By the time I was done snapping all those snaps, I was literally in tears. Heartfelt and joyful.

My mind has been going a million miles a minute lately. Planning for the next big step. Daycare. And I literally feel physically ill at the thought. I'm not stay-at-home-mom material by any means (a fact I recognize about myself). But this arrangement, though exhausting, has worked so well that I truly hate to see it end. Of course, I know that Myles is getting to the point where daily boring hours in my office will no longer be appreciated. His little mind needs stimulation and he needs more interaction than I can provide while I'm working. I KNOW all this. But my heart aches. I have, for the past few months, had it all. And now that will have to change.

I worked so hard to get him here. And now I will spend the rest of my life working equally as hard to send him on his own way. Eventually, like his big brother, he won't wear anything with snaps and I'll be washing tball jerseys and camouflage pants. Eventually, like his big brother, he'll wash his own clothes (hopefully sooner rather than later). Eventually, I will be relegated to another role. And though I'm not ready for that just yet, I am so happy to have the opportunity some day. Just as I'm so happy to be able to snap all those little snaps right now.

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