Thursday, March 27, 2008

All alone

Steve stayed home with Sam for spring break that means no baby at work today! I've gotten A LOT of work done without a little person attached to me. But I'm noticing something strange and a bit overwhelming...

It's easier to miss Alex and Travis.

I think it's probably partly the place. This office held so many hopes and happy thoughts...and so many tears and sad thoughts...without the distraction of sweet little Myles, it's easier to reflect on where I was...where I've been...where I am now.

I think it's also probably partly that I finally understand the sentiment that a new baby doesn't replace the ones who are lost. They are still a part of my narrative...still a part of my heart. And I can acknowledge that without betraying Myles in any way.

And of course, part of it is that I KNOW where Sam and Myles are. And I KNOW they are being taken good care of by their father who loves them. I don't have to take anything on faith or fanciful promise. It is verifiable and fact. I've got more brewing on the topic of my own faith (which I'll share in a bit), but I'm still sorting it out in my head. The one thing I know is that I'm not a person of faith and I'm having to come to terms with that...and it's easier than I feared it might be.

It's interesting, to me at least, the complexity of this role of being a mother to living and dead children. It brings to the fore, all sorts of aspects of my own personality that I never even knew were there.


marcia said...

Thanks, once again, for sharing your heart so openly, Catherine! I'm guessing you will probably never know how many others you have helped along the way as you are travelling your road. Not all of us have your ability to be so transparent, and we can learn a lot from you in that area! I hope you are having a good TGIF day! :)

Awake said...

Thinking of you Catherine. What a touching post.