Steve stayed home with Sam for spring break today...so that means no baby at work today! I've gotten A LOT of work done without a little person attached to me. But I'm noticing something strange and a bit overwhelming...
It's easier to miss Alex and Travis.
I think it's probably partly the place. This office held so many hopes and happy thoughts...and so many tears and sad thoughts...without the distraction of sweet little Myles, it's easier to reflect on where I was...where I've been...where I am now.
I think it's also probably partly that I finally understand the sentiment that a new baby doesn't replace the ones who are lost. They are still a part of my narrative...still a part of my heart. And I can acknowledge that without betraying Myles in any way.
And of course, part of it is that I KNOW where Sam and Myles are. And I KNOW they are being taken good care of by their father who loves them. I don't have to take anything on faith or fanciful promise. It is verifiable and fact. I've got more brewing on the topic of my own faith (which I'll share in a bit), but I'm still sorting it out in my head. The one thing I know is that I'm not a person of faith and I'm having to come to terms with that...and it's easier than I feared it might be.
It's interesting, to me at least, the complexity of this role of being a mother to living and dead children. It brings to the fore, all sorts of aspects of my own personality that I never even knew were there.