While cleaning out the desk drawer at home yesterday, I had the dreaded job of sorting through the old receipts and tossing those that are no longer necessary to keep for warranties or delivery insurance or whatnot. I happily threw out receipts from our baby shopping trips pre-Myles...the stroller, infant carrier, and swing...drop-ins and bottle nipples...baby clothes. Doubt that dated as far back as July and as recent as the beginning of November. Hope and fear and doubt all stored on little computer generated slips of paper.
I was tempted, for the briefest of moments, to keep them for what they mean to me now...on this side of the fear. But remembering what they meant back when I stuck them in the drawer, "just in case," I knew I had to throw them away. It's time to let go of whatever bad stuff I can so that there is room to fully embrace all the good stuff. So I threw them all away and immediately felt lighter...happier.
There is a part of me that doesn't want Myles to ever know what my pregnancy with him was really like. I think there is something to be said for knowing your mother was completely blissfully happy while pregnant with you...that your existence brought her joy and peace...not fear and pain. Yes, I know there was boundless love in that fear and pain. But still...the little slips of paper meant something different back then and they had to go.