Wednesday, October 17, 2007

What they don't tell you about subsequent pregnancy after loss(es)

~That it will f*** up your mind and leave you unable to think about anything but the last time you felt baby move. Seriously. Work, hobbies, will not comprehend a thing. You will read the same paragraph a thousand times...ask people to repeat things...find yourself watching a television program and realize you have no idea what is happening (thank heavens for DVRs). Take "pregnancy brain" and multiply it by a million. It's awful. And if you're a Type A, like me, it will drive you mad that you have spent an entire day looking at your blank computer screen and have basically accomplished nothing.

~That you will have deep dark irrational fears about losing everyone you love and being left completely alone. That you will actually contemplate how you will continue your life without those people you love. That you will make an effort to say "I love you" because you don't ever want to have the regret of not having said it.

~That with every twinge, sore throat, and sniffle, you will sense impending doom. That you will have to remind yourself that most babies live and sometimes a cold is just a cold. That it is really unnecessary to change clothes three times a day and/or wash your hands and body a hundred times each day.

~That you will be more tired than you have ever been in your life and a good night's sleep without nightmares is a GOOD thing...not some harbinger of bad news. In fact, you may find yourself yelling at the top of your lungs at those signs you used to take such comfort in. Make sure, when the tears come, that you are not driving a car.

~That other people have moved on. That while it is a very real and present danger to you, your losses are things of the past that have no bearing on today for almost everyone you know. It is an immediate thought for you every single second of the day (except when you distract yourself enough to push it down). But that other people will often need to be reminded and it can take a toll on your patience and your understanding.

~That there is happiness to be found in being pregnant, but it probably won't be the same as you had before...and you have to accept that.


Aurelia said...

This is very good, I have print it out and remind myself of it.

kari said...

It's so true, and it's not something you'll read in any grief or "trying again" book. Every single moment of my subsequent pregnancy was terrifying. Plus, friends and family actually got annoyed with ME that I refused to say "when the baby gets here..." and instead of "if." Grr.

ms. G said...

I found myself nodding through this entire post. I think I should print it out too. All of them are right, but I really agree with the first one and the third one. I am hand washing queen in this pregnancy.

Beruriah said...

So true.

Tricia said...

Can I add two...

- That nothing will prevent worrying so telling me that worrying hurts the baby, just makes me worry more.

- An at home doppler gave me more comfort than any words ever seemed able to.

pipsylou said...

You were wonderful when I was pregnant with Asher. As far as I know, Catherine, your requirement until the day he is born is to keep breathing. In. Out. In. Out.

Of course I don't think about your situation as much as you do, but I sure do think about you alot.

I was so frustrated that people didn't realize how quickly I could lose the pregnancy. Everyone was telling me 4 nights before just to go ahead and wash his clothes, everything would be fine. I think I lost count of the number of panic attacks.

So though I don't know EXACTLY what you're going through, obviously, I know a little bit about pregnancy anxiety. massive pregnancy anxiety. Let's just say I thought I was pregnant last month and totally lost it.

Breathe in and out. :)

Bon said...

you know, it was the paragraph about 'other people have moved on' that moved me the most about this, though all hit me deeply...because it was the only one i'd not consciously processed on my own. perhaps because it was the one that bewildered and hurt me the most.

thanks for this...for putting it out there for so many of us to see ourselves in...though i am so sorry you were in a place where this was what was on your mind. but then, i guess that's just about all the time, except when it's not, huh?

you're doing good, getting through. you keep breathing

Hedda said...

All so very true.

Just knowing I will never have a naive pregnancy again hurts.

I think the biggest thing is that no one, and I mean no one, uderstands what you are going through.

Monica said...

You are absolutely right on with this post. Oh to be blissfully ignorant of how pregnancy can turn out. If just for a day... it would seem like a huge weight was lifted. And you are right, it does make you question other things, because if you can be the small statistical "misfortune" and suffer a stillbirth, other things are that far out of the realm of possibilities too.

Sherry said...

Also nodding in agreement. Sometimes I feel like crazy pregnancy lady, and I hate that the innocence of it all has been stripped away. It's supposed to be such a magical, happy time, and instead is fraught with worry and "what if's.'

Hang in there, and keep breathing! (((HUGS)))