Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The longest six minutes

8:29am
He didn't move on the way to work.
He normally shakes to the music on the radio
when I play it too loud.
And he's not moving now.
Isn't the morning dance about now?

8:31am
Sitting in the bathroom...crying...begging, "Please move."
Pressing shaking fingers into my belly.
Did I feel something
or was that my imagination?

8:32am
Drinking hot coffee and ice cold water.
You have to wake up.
I can't do this again.

8:33am
Unzipping pants and rubbing clammy skin.
I can't trust myself to know anything anymore.
I should have dopplered before I came to work
but I'm sure I felt something in the shower.
Or did I?

8:35am
Wake up...(jiggle)...wake up...(push)...wake up!
A slow slide across my belly.
My cautious smile.
A kick behind my belly button.
I'm sorry I woke you up.
But you have to learn...
you can't scare mommy like that.

9 comments:

Shinny said...

I had one of those mornings too! These kids are going to put us in the looney bin before they even get here. ;) Tell Myles that Auntie Shanna is going to be very upset with him if he keeps doing this to Mommy.
There is a change in seasons coming through and I do notice that Piglet's movements are related to the weather. She likes it hot.

Beruriah said...

Ugh. This and the post before it. I hate that there'll be no lasting comfort for you until baby Myles is crying in your arms.

Julie said...

((((hugs))))
Oh how clearly I remember that fear. Lauren and Evan both did it to me more than once. Terror is the only word that can come even close to describing it, and yet, that still isn't enough.

I'm so glad baby Myles is ok.

vixanne wigg said...

Awww. :( That sucks. Brings back lovely lovely memories of paranoia and fear. Not too much longer....

ms. G said...

How many times must I post saying I could have written that? Cause I could have written this post. The doubt of what you did feel is very familiar to me. Unless baby girl starts going crazy, one or two small kicks doesn't even bring me much comfort because I question it.

My dh gives me a hard time for bugging her...but, hey, like you said, they gotta learn, NO SCARING MOMMY!!

Bon said...

heart in my throat as i read this, Catherine. actually, heart in my throat as i read all three of your posts...NC, and Craig Cardiff, all hit hard.

the fear is always there, under the skin, like a volcano.

you tell Myles this needs to stop...no hiding! ;)

Julie said...

I broke into actual sobs when I read this, and cried for quite some time. Even though the end result was satisfactory, that fear and helplessness is horrible. That memory has escaped me. The bigger he gets, the lazier he's going to be; I feel for you as the countdown commences. {{{hugs}}}

Julie said...

err... that memory has NOT escaped me. Ever.

Monica said...

Oh do I know that feeling. It seems like right before you get into the car to drive to the ER, he moves... right? Oh the torture. But boy does it make those movements sweet. I'll never get the women who complain about, "the kicking that kept me up all night". I lived for those kicks.