Thursday, August 16, 2007

I don't want to share!

No, this isn't a childhood temper tantrum we're dealing with...It's a full-blown adult sized mommy temper tantrum. I shamefully admit that this 35-year-old woman is capable of having such breaks in my otherwise refined veneer as to have childlike temper tantrums. In other words, it ain't pretty. So I come to the fine internet folks to tell my sad tale of woe...after warning my husband it was coming and assuring him it isn't ABOUT HIM (a point I think I kind of lied about...cause is about him a little bit).

We're going through some changes in our house. Some of them come as a result of Sam's being five years old...some as a result of "the new baby" (a reference I am REALLY growing to hate so much that it may just prompt an early reveal of Gummy Bear's real name...SOON)...and some of it is surely a combination of the two. Intellectually I understand that my baby is growing up right before my eyes. And I'm ok with that. Really. I am...OK.with.that. Oh...shut-up...I can hear you laughing from here and I think that's just plain rude.


Bedtime has always been our "snuggle time." Me and Sam. When all other attempts to soothe the savage in him had failed, I could lie next to him in a darkened room and melt his willpower with the sound of my breathing. Snuggle power.

It only worked if Steve was thrown out of the room. Daddies only stir up trouble, don't ya know? Distraction had to be eliminated and that meant daddy had to leave us alone. At first, when Sam was an infant, I think Steve took a bit of offense to his lack of snuggle power. But after a couple of weeks with little to no sleep he realized the magic...and he too melted to the awesome power of the mommy snuggle.

As Sam gained years, we developed our own little nightly ritual. I would look up from whatever I was doing at the appropriate time (or when Sam was exhibiting unusual fussiness/crankiness) and announce, "Snuggle time!" It was the rare night when my little munchkin didn't smile as he bounded into the bedroom and hopped right under the covers...ready to meet sleep with his mommy snuggled up by his side.

I remember so many nights, smelling his hair, listening to him breathe, checking to see if his eyes were closed (laughing when he would surprise me by popping them open and giving me a grin). I wished there was a way to bottle it up and keep it forever...those moments that made me feel so much like we are mother and son...those moments that, quite honestly, made me feel the POWER of that bond we share.

I tell you all of this, not as a means to elicit "awww, how sweet" from you...but so that you will understand exactly how this latest phase of growing up has bruised my heart. As with all things related to raising children, those moments couldn't be bottled up to be kept forever. Time couldn't be stopped. Things change.

Sam wants his Daddy at bedtime.

He asks him to stay and snuggle instead of going out to the barn to do his nightly chores. Mommy snuggle power just isn't enough.

I knew this day would come. And I tried my hardest to steel my heart against the disappointment that our magical time was over. But guess what? It didn't work. I'm sad and I don't wanna share!

But I will.

Because I love him with every fiber of my being and I want him to be happy.


Jill said...

Ugh. The handover sucks. But it's better happening now than in the midst of post partum hormones. I've done it both ways and when I had to give up that special power with S when C was born, I felt like a ship that broke its mooring. It was really sad.

But she and Dad grew a whole new relationship which was super cool for them both. I'm sorry Hun:( I think he might be preparing himself to be more your assistant than your baby though. The man's doing what the man's gotta do:)

Stephanie said...

I'm in tears...completely and utterly wracked with the sadness that this post is...I don't want to give that up with J either...not now, not ever.

Bon said...

bruised your heart indeed...and mine, just reading. change always has loss, even when there is joy and growth to be celebrated, but that doesn't make it easier to let go.

but that bond? you will find new expressions.