Tuesday, February 06, 2007

A Super Bowl jingle is my theme song

I didn't really understand the premise of the ad for Coca Cola. But the simple song (about 20 seconds in) sticks with me.

"You're gonna be remembered for the things that you say and do...You give a little love and it all comes back to you..."

I suppose I'm healing, because I'm starting to see things about myself in a more objective way. I'm generally feeling less raw (though I do still have those days). And I'm finally starting to feel like I can do something for someone else again. Most importantly, I'm less desperate to find God in all of this. I do not have time or energy to try to make sense of repetitive mantras that provide no answers but tell me what I need to believe to save my soul.

My dogs are happy to see me when I get home at night...and I'm willing to bet they have never contemplated the meaning of life. They live and they love and they are happy...not because they have found any sort of inner enlightenment...they just ARE. Maybe it is time to adopt a similar philosophy. All of this searching for meaning is only making me miserable. I don't need meaning...I can create meaning...if I choose to.

I'm going to be 35 on Thursday. I remember when I was so afraid of that number. 35 meant so many things, particularly as it related to childbearing and being a mother. My perspective has certainly shifted. 35 is just another year. There is no meaning in it...and I'm ok with that.

I have taken a good hard look at who I am. I admit to being afraid of the bitterness I felt welling up in my soul. But there is less fear in that now because I have been reassured that my actions prove that I am not bitter...even when I didn't feel it, the kindness and softness was still there in my heart. Good to know.

I want to be remembered for the things I say and do. If I were to die today...I would want people to remember me as good and kind and loving...not bitter and angry and twisted.

4 comments:

Treggles said...

Catherine,

In case you dind't know, the Coke advert song comes from the "Bugsy Malone" soundtrack.

Catherine said...

I did not know that. I will have to check it out. Thanks!

pipsylou said...

I have NEVER thought of you as bitter and twisted. NEVER. Even when I have said stupid clueless stuff to you, only later to think, "That was the most asanine thing I could have said or done", you still didn't lash out at me. Now that is saying something.

You have helped so many other moms - I don't think you will ever know how many.

From my favorite movie, Gladiator -my favorite quote...


"What we do in life echoes in eternity."

Too few people live that way. You do - and always have.

Meri-ann said...

I just wanted to pop in and say hi and Happy Birthday for tomorrow... x

BTW, you are definitely kind and loving.