Friday, October 27, 2006

This post or that post

I have two posts rolling around in my brain.

The first is filled with negative energy directed outward at everyone who has told me recently that "it's just too hard to read your blog." Yeah...I get it...I'm sad...this blog is sad...you just can't bring yourself to face that. Never mind that I don't get a choice about the sadness and you make me feel like an inconvenience when you say things like that...we're good.

oops...it seems as though that first post just slipped out. Though I can assure anyone reading this that the original version was much longer and filled with profanities that would make your hair curl.

The second is the post that I'm afraid to post. It's the one that will most likely cause a chain reaction of telephone calls the likes of which I'm not sure the telecommunications infrastructure of our great country can handle. Plus, I don't want to jinx anything. No, I'm not pregnant (thank God).

[Big deep breath]

We submitted the preliminary application with an adoption facilitator.

[Another big deep breath]

Ladies and gentlemen, hope has returned to the building.

We submitted the application via email and I have to admit that it was exciting to press the SEND button. Terrifying...but exciting. This is a process unlike any other. Yes, it has similarities to other "big" steps in life. But this one...it makes me want to giggle and throw up all at the same time (which I’m sure would not be a pretty sight). And it's funny, because I thought you didn't get morning sickness except when you were the one pregnant. Turns out other things can induce similar physical symptoms. But I digress.

The procedure seems somewhat like the lengthy drawn-out sort of process you go through when buying a house. It feels like the excitement and fear in that instant before you walk down the aisle to get married. All the anticipation of a new baby is there. I can’t say it is without fear…but it is a different kind of fear. I suppose once you’ve faced the fear of having another dead baby, the fear of a failed adoption is somehow less stressful. Yes, I know an adoptive baby could still die…but it won’t die inside me.

So there it is. The post I was afraid to post.

It’s like admitting failure and embracing possibility all with the same set of words. And it’s a much better post than that first one I was considering.

We will hear from the adoption facilitator within the next two weeks.

[Another big deep breath]

(I have a feeling I'm going to be doing a lot of that deep breathing in the coming months...maybe I should take up yoga.)

***edited to add: Private Domestic Adoption***

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

I read your blog, and love it, good, bad, sad, happy...it's you, if people don't like it, well, I don't admire them for that, for sure!
And the adoption application is exciting!!! I'm glad you're feeling hope. So what kind adoption? International, domestic, foster care?
Details, please!

Lisa P. said...

WOOHOO about the adoption submission! I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

As for post/point #1... I always read, even though I don't always know what to say. You're one of the most forthright and honest people I know and express your feelings (good or bad) very well. So let those who "can't read" not read. It's not about them.

three minute palaver said...

Congratulations on submitting your adoption aplication. That certainly is HUGE news indeed. You are so amazing and strong and brave, I admire you so. and I think it wonderful you have *morning sickness* already :)

Megan said...

First, why would someone tell you that? Even if I felt your blog was too sad, I wouldn't tell you. I'd just stop reading? What are they expecting?? You have had two horrible losses in the past 18 months. Second, I'm glad you have taken the first step in adoption. How very exciting!!

miraclebaby said...

wow, first off, your blog is beautiful. Second, I wish you luck on the adoption front. Exciting AND scary.

delphi said...

1. My hair is already curly.
2. AHHHHHHH! Exciting! Scary! Wonderful! My in-laws children were adopted and fill our family with as much love as any 7yo and 3yo ever could. It's not the getting, its the having.

P.S. My Word Verifications is "pimpgzva". Ha ha. Pimp.

GLouise said...

Hi Catherine- doing a little happy dance to hear that you submitted an application about adoption! Hooray. :-)

Sarah said...

Well you already know (i think!) that i'm obsessed with your blog.

And i think that your step to pursue adoption is wonderful and scary and it makes me very exciting.

ANd i may have questions for you in the future...

Anonymous said...

Wow. Big step, Delphi: congratulations.

Kelleigh said...

Congratulations on your adoption application! Exciting, thrilling, and scary all at once.

chaos_girl said...

Don't ever listen to those people who say your blog is too sad- it's real. Reality can be sad at times... Life isn't like the movies- the hard things don't just happen and next week, everyone has moved on. Life is living in the trenches, digging yourself out of the mud when horrible things happen... You are doing fine. Your honesty is refreshing as much as it is sad. It's fine, though- life isn't perfect.

I love that little step you took in the direction of adoption... I cannot wait to see where this leads...

Melissa said...

I'm mostly a lurker, but I still read your blog. I can't believe anyone said that to you. If anyone feels sad or uncomfortable reading your blog, I have to imagine it must be only a tiny fraction of what you're feeling, so I don't think anyone else has a right to complain.

That's wonderful news about the adoption!

Laura said...

Oh Catherine! Wow! This is really exciting. Guess what? Tom and I are going to an adoption fair tomorrow. Neat :)

And re: point #1. What the hell? What were these people trying to accomplish by telling you this? If it's too hard, than don't bother. You've got tons of us here for you no matter what, no matter when.

Depressionista said...

Hi Catherine,
I wanted to send you an email but couldn't find a link on your blog to send something directly to you, so here I am.

I have spent the last several days reading through your entire blog and I just wanted to say that I really admire your honesty here. The fact that you aren't too afraid to say what you're REALLY feeling is helpful to me and I'm sure, to others.

It's been 3 1/2 years since the loss of my daughter at 21.5 weeks, and I now have a two-year-old son. I have managed to find joy again although I didn't think it would be possible...but I also still grieve and miss my girl and struggle with many of the same feelings you have shared — anger, especially, at the hospital that I too believe was negligent in caring for myself and my baby. Your experiences and the way you have shared them here are helping me process many of the feelings I still struggle with.

As to the first part of this post, I too had people tell me that they couldn't deal with my "negative energy" or basically that they were sick of dealing with my grief. I pretty much told them to suck it up. Some of them apologized and made efforts to redeem themselves and are still in my life. Some I don't speak to anymore, including my own brother. I completely agree with what you wrote. Those who can't handle reading your blog have the option to close the window--you, and others like you, don't have that choice. I think it's amazingly selfish for anyone to feel that, let alone say it.

And as for starting the adoption process--I'm thrilled that you have chosen to take a step toward your goal of having two living children. I look forward to reading about this new part of your journey. Don't be surprised if people think this will all make it "okay" again--but know that those of us here understand that no matter what happens, you will still love, miss and cherish the special places Alex and Travis have in your family.

JellyJen said...

A former lurking coming out to say...Congrats on the adoption process! That is so very exciting!!! ((HUGS)) and back to lurking.

Penultimatina said...

So excited for you guys, Kate!

JMB said...

I'm so excited for you! From what I have observed, I think that your analogy to buying a house is probably close. Whatever the process, I hope that this will be yet another step on the trail to healing. You deserve that so much.

Rosepetal said...

Congratulations on moving forward with the adoption!

If people reading can't handle REAL LIFE - then please, shut up, don't whine about it. Man, we're not at the cinema watching a film here.

Jill said...

A big punch in the nose to those who are ridiculous enough to think they deserve the right to make you feel guilty for your grief.

A big sloppy kiss on the cheek in celebration of this next tremendous step. Truly triumphant. You guys are just fabulous and your next child will be blessed to have your heart beating for them. Just like the three kids you already have are:)

deadbabymama said...

I love your blog!

That is such exciting news! Friends of ours are considering adoption and we are thinking about it in an extremely preliminary way so there must be something in the air. Gosh that makes me happy that you applied, I'm grinning from ear to ear up here!

kate said...

Well, congratulations! That is very exciting....and i hope for nothing but the best for you!

Renae said...

Yeah for hope! Congratulations! I think Sam is so freaking lucky to have you for a mom. And so will another baby.

AJW5403 said...

Congratulatins on sending in your application. I wish you only the best.

And to the one's you refered to in the in the first post. Screw they don't have to read. You are you and if they don't like it forget about them. There are plenty of us who still want to read.

Dolores said...

Oh Kate...BOO to the jerk who thought it right to tell you that. This is your blog and good or bad, you write whatever your heart desires!!!!

And onto the adoption...woo hoo!!! I am over the moon for you guys!! I am just sitting here with a huge grin on my face!! I am so excited for you all and can't wait to hear about the process.

As always with all my love and well wishes I can send to ya!

Sherry (Hallesmom) said...

I am so excited and filled with anticipation for you guys! And as for someone saying it is hard to read your blog - well, it's hard for me at times because I wish I could take some of that pain away. But never hard as in - 'I just won't read it to avoid it'. Blah. Don't even know what to say to that. *hugs*

Back to the so excited part!! :)

vixanne wigg said...

OMG! This is wonderful news, Catherine. I am so excited for you guys and so happy that some excitement and happiness have entered the building.

BTW, I still read your blog every day. I just don't always comment.

Sweet Coalminer said...

I think you are brave to give voice to your pain.

Hooray! How exciting! More details!

Sarah said...

That's so exciting Kate!!

Anonymous said...

Don't you care what others say, sad or not its YOUR blog and thats what its there for, to do what you need with it. I read, I know I dont always leave a comment but just know that I'm stilll around.

Kind regards

Artblog

whatthef*ck said...

"it's just too hard to read your blog." are they joking? WELL DONT READ IT THENNNNNNNN!!!!!!!! That is really unbelievable. As if you've burdened them. I dont know about you but i have found that one of the worst parts of the deadbabydisasters is dealing with people and their inability to DEAL. it's really a major part of the awfulness. i cant even imagine how awful it's been for you with such PROFOUND losses.

i used to like the saying, "friends double the joy and cut the pain in half." Actually i still ike it, it's just that my list of friends is much smaller.

i wish you didnt have to feel that sharing your feelings, negative and bitter as they might be at times, is a burden for others. i for one am here to hear and LISTEN to everything and anything that you need to share. that's what we are here for.

i know that living in the bitterness is no way to live but i think we've got to go through to come out the other side. i've so appreciated your comments on my blog and i am here for you to help shoulder your burden in any way possible. if you need a more private rant, then email me and i'd be honored to be trusted with your heartache and grief.

congratulations on the adoption step. what a concept to know that you can have a baby without even the possibility of another devastating pregnancy. wow! what a fortunate soul that is waiting in the wings for your family.

R said...

eeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to write you a story when I get back from NOrth Dakota. Also, I hope I"ve not offended you in any way. Haven't heard from you in a long while. I know pregnancy blogs aren't exactly the place you want to hang out right now...

Thinking of you Catherine!

Heather said...

Well, I love you and your blog. Just keep doing what you are doing here. This is for you--NOT other's entertainment, for Christ's sake.

I am very excited for you and Steve about the adoption process. That is just great. :)

Jaye said...

chaos_girl said...Reality can be sad at times... Life isn't like the movies- the hard things don't just happen and next week, everyone has moved on.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Catherine, I am so excited that you guys have taken the first steps in the adoption journey. I wish you so much luck and happiness, sweetie. Always!

One Mother's Journey said...

I've wanted to comment on this post for several days but wasn't sure what to say. I just thought you should know it made me smile.

lauralu said...

holy cow! obviously, i had not read this post yet when i saw you saturday. so let me just belatedly say, good for you! this route will be the one we, too, will take if we have any more children.

Julian's Mom said...

Catherine, I am so looking forward to following your journey as you pursue adoption. Best of luck to you and your family.