Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Pumpkins great and small

As I stood in Super Walmart caressing the little pumkins marketed for pie-making (directions printed on a sticky label stuck to the little guys even), I contemplated buying a couple for the cemetery. Jesus Christ! My life is no longer about making a nice pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving...it's about whether this is the perfect pumpkin to take to my dead kids.

So I suppose it was the sight of the little sticky label with pie-making directions that made me deem these particular pumpkins not quite suitable for the dead kid brigade after all.

A couple other things are stuck in my brain with that moment...

Steve saying that we couldn't just buy our carving pumpkin at Walmart because that would take the fun out of it. We had to make our annual trip to the local nursery and wander on the hill, searching for the perfect pumpkin. I remember the fun of the trip last year. At some point, Sam had a meltdown and I shoved him in the minivan while Steve went to pay. It was five months post first dead kid and I still wasn't in any mood to deal with that life. Ah...good times.

And then the carving last year. We took pictures and it looked like a relatively happy event. Just the three of us. Now I look at those pictures and don't even see the painful smiles. Instead, I see myself wearing a bracelet in honor of Alex's memory. Back in the era of one dead kid. Was it better than now?

During my first year of college, I remember my parents came to visit me during one weekend when I was suffering a particularly bad bout of homesickness. My mom brought me a little pumpkin. I remember holding that little pumpkin as I watched through my dorm window while my family walked away. A part of me changed forever in that moment. I think it's the same part that hurts right now.

Damn little pumpkins. Can't I just simply make a pie?

4 comments:

kate said...

Nah, make a cheesecake, and use the canned stuff, it is easier (mentally, too). I will post a link to my favorite recipie.

I always get a pumpkin for my dead kid, too. Though last year we did not manage to carve *any* of them. I also celebrate 'Dia de los muertos' even though we are nowhere near Hispanic. I just like doing it.

Kathy McC said...

Yeah...the canned stuff is way easier.

I took Aaron and Kam to the pumpkin patch this afternoon and my picture perfect afternoon wandering the fields turned into a whine and cry fest. Aaron took a leak next to the van, and the two of them practically melted down from exhaustion.

We stayed all of 20 minutes. Good times. Cursed pumpkins, anyway!

One Mother's Journey said...

I always wanted to try to make a pumpkin pie from real pumpkin. It just seemed like a very "domestic" thing to do.

deadbabymama said...

I also make cheesecake with canned pumkin! We use fresh pumpkin for soup.

Is anything simple anymore? I would say no.