Friday, October 20, 2006

Pain and Perspective

Each of us is broken, somewhere deep inside
And we're really not that different, if you strip away the pride

Pray for Me (Rob Crosby & Allen Shamblin)

I get that everyone has their issues. I get that people have problems. Believe it or not, I even feel empathy for other people going through a tough time...I do feel pain for them. I have perspective.

It's just that this ugly little voice inside of me always screams.

I never let it be heard by anyone but me (and Steve and the internet). I know that giving it a voice would make me a monster.

But that doesn't stop it from screaming.

More than anything, I want to silence it. I want some peace. I want the pain to subside so that I can feel for other people again without self-consideration. I don't want to have to weigh whether I'm capable of being supportive today...whether I have the strength to withstand someone else's pain in addition to my own. I just want to be a friend that someone can turn to without question or fear that I'm going to let them down because I'm not strong enough. Faking it seems wrong.

No amount of repetitive, "Keep perspective," makes it shut up. There has to be something else I can DO to feel better. Until I figure out what it is...the screaming continues.

My head hurts with the howls of pain.


Jill said...

I see what you are saying. Five months ago though, would it have mattered that other people might want something from you?

To me, you have come a very long way. From Travis' death to feeling like you want to be something to other people - you haven't been standing still have you? So there is no reason to expect that your journey will stall. You will get there, one foot in front of the other and it will take as long as it takes.

But please don't think you haven't come a long way though!

kate said...

What Jill said....

Also i think that faking it is not all bad. I used to fake it alot until once i realized i wasn't faking it anymore -- i didn't hear that voice so loudly anymore. So i think faking it is kind of practice for the real thing....

And you see, blogger is letting me comment again yay! Now you won't be able to shut me up again.