Inside jokes

Last night I turned to Steve and asked, "Do you ever have days where you just feel like you're not doing so well?" I know full well that most normal people would think I meant I was having a bad day. But I hoped that Steve would understand the true question.

And he did.

And he answered, "Yes."

And that was what I needed to hear, not because I needed to hear it, but because it was true. He has never lied to me about his feelings that I know of, and this is a gift that I never really paid much attention to until we lost our boys. Someone by your side who fully understands you. I don't mean in the superficial way that people think is important when they are 'falling in love.' But in the real and honest and sometimes ugly ways that we hope to never have to rely on.

He gets it in a way that few people ever will.

But the fact that he gets it is a comfort and a weapon that cuts too deep at the same time. I hate that we have any reason to share that sort of communication. It kills me inside to know that he will understand the truth when I ask those sorts of questions. I know if I asked him he would say that he wouldn't want it any other way...he would want us to be in this together. But I just wish I could spare him that understanding. While I'm glad I'm not, I wish I was alone in this.


So my waking dream this morning was of a giant dark wood bookcase falling on me. In a split second I knew I couldn't outrun I didn't even try. Likewise, I knew I could curl up in a ball and try to minimize the damage to my body...but I didn't. I just lay stretched out there until I was startled awake (by the impact of the bookcase on my body perhaps).

There was a time when I would have moved to save myself. In that split second I would have made the decision to scramble up and try to get out of the way, even if there was little chance I would make it to safety. I would have done something.

But now, I just lay there and wait for the crushing weight to land on me. No movement at all.


In this morning's email:

Dear Catherine:

I thought I would contact you since the production of Travis' marker has taken slightly longer than I anticipated.

The marker is scheduled to be completed this Friday, and I will contact you as soon as I receive confirmation that the marker has shipped.

Please let me know if you should have any questions.


Gary - Customer Service
Markers Direct


Tomorrow I will be attending a conference out of the office with new mommy coworker. I promise I will not kill her...and I will be sure to take notes on all the amazing stories of her son's life so that I can share them with you (because I'm sure you'll be just as interested as I am in the life and times of a boy who should be about the same age as my first dead baby).


kate said…
Good luck with that tomorrow...and i am sorry about Travis's marker. You would think that some things *could* work out in a timely fashion, ya know?
lauralu said…
i understand about the terrible joy in sharing that level of understanding with someone. i try to look at it as a lucky bonus that our relationship has depths it almost certainly never would have had if hans had lived. that's the trade-off, i think: getting to experience joys more fully, in return for enduring the worst.

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