Monday, August 07, 2006

Truth is stranger than fiction

If I wrote a book, would people believe me?

Would people believe that when I went for my doppler check that day with Alex that neither the nurse nor the doctor (not my regular OB) would look me in the eye or tell me what was going on?

Would people believe that when we arrived at the hospital that morning, they made us sit in a tiny waiting room the size of a broom closet and watch Texas Justice? or that a nurse stuck her head in and told us we could feel free to change the channel?

Would people believe that the nurse that walked ahead of us to that room tucked away in the corner greeted us with, "I'm sorry, sometimes these things just happen"?

Would people believe that I labored for 60+ hours to deliver a dead boy because I couldn't face the thought of another c-section...not for a dead baby?

Would people believe that during that entire 60+ hours of labor, my OB never once stopped in to see how I was?

Would people believe how I terrified the poor volunteer who delivered flowers from my workplace to that room in the corner when she asked, "What's the matter dear? Is it all just too much?" (obviously thinking I was just overwhelmed by labor)...and I cried out loud, "My baby is dead!"?

Would people believe that it was MONTHS before my husband and I made love after Alex was stillborn? Would people believe that I cried that first time?

Would people believe that my OB lied to me about the cause of my Alex's death and would have perpetuated that lie forever if I hadn't been as nosey as I am?

Would people believe that my boys were stillborn almost exactly one year apart...to the day?

Would people believe that each baby died from his own "freak" occurrence that isn't likely to recur?

Would people believe that I KNEW my Travis was dead before I ever said anything to my husband that Sunday morning?

Would people believe I drove myself to the hospital that Sunday morning?

Would people believe that the lab technician who drew my blood that morning just so happened to have suffered five losses herself and knew just the right things to say? that she sat and held my hand while she talked to me? that she happens to work with the teddy bear project?

Would people believe that the teddy bear a friend sent for Sam after Travis died is just about the exact size of Travis' little body? that I hold it and imagine it is him?

Would people believe that I dream of digging my sons out of the earth to hold their little broken bodies?

Would people believe that my post-Alex OB calls and writes notes and emails with hopeful messages as well as information?

Would people believe that sometimes you just don't get a happy ending?

Would people believe the jealousy I harbor of those with perfectly good bodies that can produce children with no question?

Would people believe some of the unkind and bizarre things that have been said to me over the past year?

Would people believe that there is enough bad luck in the world to lose two babies, an uncle, a great aunt and a grandmother...have an uncle fight cancer and an aunt diagnosed with cancer...have a friend suffer a miscarriage quietly so as to spare my feelings...all within two years?

Would people believe that I am still happy for them when they find happiness in their own lives...I just can't deal with the lack of it in my own life?

Would people believe that I can and do function...barely...and spend most days just faking it? that I am a shell of the person I used to be? that I just don't have the energy to rebuild myself again?

Would people believe that despite appearances, it's all I can do some days just to get out of bed in the morning? that no matter how 'well' I seem to be doing, I am falling apart in silence?

Would people believe it all?

Because I'm not sure I do.

16 comments:

chaos_girl said...

Those of us, who've suffered larger losses then most- those of us, we believe. Because there have been times where our waking hours are worse then any nightmare we could contrive...

I read your blog and my heart breaks for you- your heart is so raw and I wish I could believe that your blog is not true. But it's evident from your words- it's too true.

I've lost in my life- usually, I think more then most. Yet, I read stories like yours and I think, my life is a cake walk. I've had it easy.

I'm so sorry. I know sorry doesn't cut it, doesn't change it, doesn't do one damn thing- but it's all I can be- I'm so sorry for your losses.

mommacoatimundi@hotmail.com

Treggles said...

I believe it.

But I really wish I didn't have to.

Kathy McC said...

(((hugs)))

Holley said...

Yes it is (stranger than fiction).

Hugs.

Julie said...

I believe it. I wish that I didn't, but I do.

((Hugs))

kate said...

Sometimes i think of you and what you have been through, and i can't believe it either. Though i know it to be true.

((((((((hugs)))))))

Erin said...

Yes, some of us DO believe. And cry with you and for you to see it all written out this way.

Julie said...

The truth is stranger than fiction, and I don't think the best writers out there could come up with anything as horrific as your story. I'm very sad for you and your family, and you know you're never more than a thought away from my heart.

Jill said...

I have watched this nightmare unfold and hold you in my heard and thoughts every day. The whole thing is pretty unbelievable - more's the pity it can't be untrue as well. (((HUGS)))

Sarah said...

If your story were a piece of fiction, people would get annoyed at the length of time they had to wait for a happy ending.

And i believe... I believe it because I've thought some of the same things myself. Especially about how i feel like a shell and how basically all i can do is get through the day. And i've only lost one child, so sometimes it makes me feel like i need to 'get over it'. But i'm not over it. And for now I don't see my way out of living as if all I can do is get through the day.

And no... i don't know if most people realize that just getting out of bed is a major accomplishment.

---

And to answer your question... of course you can use my symbols! I stole your categories when i started splitting up my list a few months ago and forgot to ever say thanks for the inspiration title... I like that one. But sometimes, I don't even want inspiration... i just want to see that there are other people who are going through something similar.

Sherry (Hallesmom) said...

*hugs*

deadbabymama said...

Honey I don't even believe in god but I BELIEVE that all you say is true. Amen sister.

Diana said...

I think if you ever wrote a book I would buy about twenty copies just to give them to friends...so they can know the truth: "sometimes you just don't get a happy ending."
I wish with all my heart you wouldn't even have the experience to be able to write this book...
*hugs*

Aurelia said...

I believe,
I believe,
I believe,
I believe,
I believe,
Because I've been there...blogs are great for telling these stories, really stranger than fiction...if they were on TV, they would be yanked.

Rian said...

Sadly, I believe it. My heart breaks for you and your family. Life is just so unfair sometimes. And we will never have the answers for all the "Whys".

I am amazed at what a wonderful friend you are in spite of your circumstances. What a great lesson that you are teaching your son.

Jaye said...

People with genuine hearts and open minds would and do believe.

Love and hugs to you...