This is something I have been putting off writing each month because I have so much to say that my fingers cannot keep up with my thoughts. But today I feel like I should write this...get it out into the universe...possibly to reach you wherever you are.
Today marks three months since you left my body. It seems like a lifetime ago that you were snuggled safely in my belly, wiggling and tapping to let me know you were with me.
Today marks 33 weeks...where we might have been if you hadn't left. But instead I am left here to mark the time alone, checking off days until a due date that is meaningless now.
How do I wrap you into my life now? We had such a brief time together. It feels like it was only a moment. But that moment was more precious to me than any other time I could have imagined. You brought hope that lit up our world for those 20 weeks. We smiled again...and planned...things we thought we had forgotten how to do. I can't thank you enough for that joy...that love.
You know, there are times when I am enjoying myself and I think how very different things might have been if your brother or you had lived. And in those moments, I feel guilty that I am enjoying MY reality...because it comes only in your absence. I am left to dream of two alternate realities...both with promises so sweet I can almost taste them...both only in my imagination.
I suppose we always wish for that which we can not have. That is the nature of being human. But my wish, sweet boy, is not for me...it is for you...for all the things you never got to do in this world...for who you never got to be. I truly hope that there is happiness surrounding you wherever you are. Because this unending sadness is too much to bear and I would never wish this upon you, my darling son. I love you.