Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Not angry...just loved...and a bit confused

Thank you all for your comments on my correspondence with Dr. A.

I have to say that, strangely enough, I am not angry at all with him. I am...perplexed. I was not expecting that response at all. I don't know why it threw me for a loop, because we have always been able to freely discuss more than medical information with Dr. A. (much to his credit). And you are right, he is the most thoughtful, compassionate, caring doctor I have EVER met. I could list the million and one kind things he has done for us and there would still be more. After Travis was stillborn, he called me personally to check on us, he sent a sympathy card, he called me personally with test results, he has answered all my emails...and that is AFTER I was technically no longer a patient. And the kindness he showed while I was an official patient...well...there just are no words. If I had to lose Travis, this was the doctor I would have wanted to lose him with (though I personally would have preferred to actually HAVE Travis...but the devil is in the details).

I don't know why I feel compelled to defend Dr. A. to you all. I certainly don't think he needs my defense. I guess I just don't want you to get the wrong idea about how I feel about him. And I don't want you to misunderstand my question from my previous post. I was really baffled by the email correspondence and wanted to know if I was missing something. After reading all of your comments, I see that I did miss some of the answer I was looking for. I think the appearance of God in the email distracted me from reading it all carefully. But that tends to happen with me anytime God is mentioned.

For the record, I would never ask anyone to change their faith. I do not expect people to change their views to match mine. And I certainly do not mind them sharing it with me in a kind and loving way (as opposed to the God brigade who insist you must believe their way or you will go to hell). And I'll let you in on a little secret. When someone starts talking about God with me...if I let a bit of time pass after receiving the message, the angry reaction subsides and I'm able to "hear" the message a little bit better. I'm far from accepting or understanding all the messages...but I can hear them above the rage. Now that I've read your comments and had some time to digest the message, I feel...peaceful. From the outside looking in, maybe Dr. A. overstepped the bounds of his doctor role. But it wasn't unwelcome. Strange.

Anyway...I'm off work again today. I went in yesterday and came home so exhausted and in such pain that I just decided it wasn't worth the effort. And despite my coworkers' obvious love for me, it really irritated me that they thought my purple, swollen, and painful ankle was at all humorous. It's NOT funny that I hurt myself gardening. Stop laughing! And I suppose this means no support group tomorrow night...I am surprisingly disappointed by this. Maybe I'll have to find a way to work it out so that I can hobble to it.

We're having our house renovated. We pulled the pin last night and signed a contract with the contractor. We figure that since we won't have dual daycare expenses, we can spend our money on something else. Plus, truth be told, I need something to look forward to now that September 22nd holds no special anticipation for us. Maybe I can look to that day as a target move-in day. We will have our own master bedroom and master bath. Other than my parent's house, I've never had a place with a master bedroom and master bath. It will be nice. The only bittersweet decision is whether to add three bedrooms...or just two. I guess we can always use a guest bedroom, so we'll stick with three for now.

Did you know today is Flag Day? Happy Flag Day

KFC is being sued for using transfat in it's food prep? Duh. Just because they changed their name to cute little initials doesn't mean it isn't still Kentucky FRIED Chicken. You're not really that stupid are you?

Didn't get a picture of the fox I saw running and playing in my back yard. Damn ankle slowed me down and the little guy scampered into the woods before I could focus. This is the second fox I've seen this year. I saw one run into the woods at the cemetery when I went to visit the boys a few weeks ago. What do foxes symbolize? (Fox - Cunning, provider, intelligence, feminine magic, diplomacy, wildness) I did see a couple butterflies today (Butterfly - Metamorphosis, carefree, transformer, immortality, rebirth, resurrection. Grace, light, soul). And as I was watching a yellow one flit around, a big fat dragonfly zipped past me and danced around in the front yard (Dragonfly - Flighty, carefree, swift, activity, shamanistic, supernatural powers).

I miss my boys. Sam is at daycare because I simply can't take care of him with this bum ankle and I know he would prefer to play outside with his friends than sit with me all day. He must have told Grandma three times in his brief phone conversation with her last night, "It's fun to play outside, it's no fun to play inside." lol I agree with him totally, but there's not much I can do about it. It takes me forever just to GET outside, let alone actually doing anything outside. So here I sit. I can't help but think about how I should be 25 weeks pregnant...almost 26. I can't help but look at Baby Alex's picture on the wall and think about how he should be playing outside with Sam (at home and daycare). I miss my boys.

Yes, I know this post is all over the place. It reflects how I've been feeling...I am all mixed up...unable to concentrate on one thing for more than a brief moment. If I weren't able to sleep or eat, I'd say it was depression. But since neither of those are suffering and I'm just feeling "flighty," I'm going to just accept it as a temporary result of all the stuff I'm dealing with and not make a big deal of it. But it IS a bit disconcerting to lose track of my thoughts mid-sentence.

I read this over at Christy's blog at ClubMom and realized that I liken her experience at the Senior Center with my experience here. We all find comfort in our own special place, I guess.

Five minutes is not nearly enough time to articulate why I come to the Senior Center for the Living History Writing group each Wednesday. I come to learn from my elders; to write from the heart; to listen to stories; to remember my past; to forget my present; to release my emotions; to laugh at our common humanity; to cry over our common sorrow; to peer into the future; to understand that we continue to question as we age; to share my love for writing; to go beyond: “So what do you do?”; to see familiar faces who always seem happy to see mine; to share Elias’s progress; to hear about members' medical ailments and remember that we all live in breakable bodies; to hold on to hope about my future; to be reminded how young I really am; to know that the group can go on without me—I’m not so important but I’m loved.

Thank you all for being here for me. I never would have survived without you all.


vixanne wigg said...

Hi Catherine,
I just read Dr. A's response...I must have missed it before. I think it's clear that he doesn't know. He doesn't know why it happened. I do think he was thoughtful, though.

Is Dr. A a specialist or just a regular ob? If not, I am wondering...would it do you any good to try and seek out a well known specialist in your general area? I just wish that you could get some answers, even though I know that often there are none. I have trouble believing that there was really no connection between Alex's death and Travis' death....I know it's possible, but probable????

Maureen said...

Hello Cathy, Steve and Sam,

OK, here it goes again. I tried this a minute ago, but I don't think it was successful. If this is a duplicate message - sorry about that!

Tried to reach you guys a couple of times by phone, but no luck. So I decided to look for you online, and voila! I found your blogspot. (As a result of this search, I now have a blogspot too!)

Anyway, we'd love to see you guys. The girls ask about Sam all the time, and the horses of course. Oh yeah, and you two also!

Send me an email ( or give me a call (330-433-0391).

Talk to you soon,