This morning I changed the calendar on my month-at-a-glance desk-pad. But first I ran my hands over the days, as if to feel those moments again.
May 2nd, the ultrasound that comfirmed my feeling that we were having a boy...where Sam got to see his brother for the first and last time.
May 2nd-6th, those happy few days where we kicked around boy names.
May 8th, where I had gone back and ferociously crossed off some important meeting I was supposed to attend that day and simply wrote, "Travis."
May 8th-12th, the week that was crossed off, as if it should be eliminated from the calendar altogether.
May 11th, simply marked, "Alex."
May 14th, the PAWS 4 a Cause fundraiser that went so well, both as a fundraiser and as a distraction to keep me from losing my mind.
May 15th, the day we took off work to recover from P4AC together.
May 18th, our first support group meeting where we met people we liked and people we didn't like...but all people we could sadly identify with.
May 24th, the appointment that I didn't have to go to because Travis was already long gone.
May 27th, Samuel's fourth birthday.
May 29th, our annual birthday trip to the zoo.
May 30th, Steve's 35th birthday and the scheduled ultrasound that wasn't necessary because there is no longer anything exciting to see in my empty body...not how I wanted Steve's birthday to be AT ALL.
Too much for one month.
But somehow, not enough.
I'll sit down and fill in what's in store for June 2006 later. I just don't have the energy to do it right now.
Goodbye May 2006.