Last night I screamed...loud...at Steve...and in front of Sam.
I'm not dealing well...with anything.
The tiniest effort seems enormous. A simple mistake is an indication that the love is gone. There is nothing that holds my attention. Even this blog bores me...feels like a chore. Surrounded by all the stories...happy...sad...it's all too much.
I know I've made my situation worse by hiding Travis from the majority of the world. So I have to put up with people asking, "How are you?" They don't know he even existed, so I can't explain how I feel about losing him. Most people don't know why I feel the way I feel. Now I understand that phrase, "It's a blessing and a curse." I'm not getting the sympathy and I don't have to deal with the stupid comments/advice. But I'm feeling very alone.
Steve said, "You know, this happened to both of us." And I responded with, "No, THIS happened to me. You lost another child, yes, but all of THIS happened TO ME."
Nice. Real nice. I'm feeling just a bit too sorry for myself. I have somewhere lost myself in all of THIS. What happened to ME? I enjoyed things...I made plans...I did things...I was a real person. Now, I just feel sorry for myself. OH THE TRAGEDY! Good grief. I have become all those things I despise in other people. Weak, sad, needy. I need to get a grip.
I was sitting there last night watching Thomas the Tank Engine and realizing that I have lost my ability to live in this moment. I've been spending far too much time thinking about what happened before...or what is to come. I've fooled myself into believing I was balancing it all...what a joke.
It's time to acknowledge the moment...this moment. The past cannot be changed. The future is always going to be uncertain. This moment holds so much that is good. Sure, this moment isn't perfect. But it's pretty damn good on the grand scale of things. As long as I stop screaming.