Monday, June 12, 2006

A beautiful thing no more

Today I was pondering my life and my reaction to other mothers (too much time sitting around with my foot up in the air). I used to read DotMoms pretty regularly...and visit mommy message boards very regularly. But I can't read about "the beauty" of pregnancy and mommy-hood. It bothers me.

It bothers me because my own experience is so ugly.

I don't get to brag about the stretch marks on my belly as badges of honor on my path to motherhood. I don't get to talk about how it was all worth it in the end. I don't get to talk about the path of grief and sadness as being "behind me." No matter what happens in my life, pregnancy and motherhood will always be ugly 2/3 of the time.

I will always carry a sadness when someone talks of their children because I will always have two dead sons. There is no more glow. If I ever were to be insane enough to try to have another baby, it would be met with sadness, skepticism, criticism, disbelief, and confusion. There will never again be happy and joyful noises made about my journey to motherhood. It's more than my own naivete that was lost. It was the basic essence of my womanhood that was forever altered. I've been excommunicated from the club...women who have never experienced loss AND women who have experienced loss but have "moved past it"...I don't fit in either. I am "the worst" that can happen.

I feel cheated in triplicate. My babies are gone, my hopes for a family are gone, and my ability to look back at pregnancy and motherhood as inherently joyful experiences is gone. What is that? The sadness trifecta? The past, the present, and the future...all forever marred.

I know there are many many women who find that they cannot have their own biological children. And I wonder if they feel this sorry for themselves...or if I am just engaging in a self-indulgent pity party. Is this what it feels like to lose hope forever? or is this normal acceptance?

My life is so ugly now.

I wish there was a way to bring beautiful back.

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