You know what...I'm NOT going to be quiet! My first instinct is to run and hide at the slightest conflict or dissent...always the peacekeeper. But now...right now...I don't care what anyone thinks of me. This is MY place! This is ME! The ugly...the honest...the hurtful...the kind...all of me.
And while I appreciate everyone rallying around me...I would also appreciate if you didn't attack one another in the comments of this blog. I have my own opinion of those who show up out of nowhere and profess to have all the answers regarding things they really don't know a damn thing about...and I know you do too. But please, let's try to remain civil to even those people we don't agree with.
You know why I won't be quiet? Because that's what people do...especially women. For years...decades...even centuries...stillbirth has required silent grief. And the ONLY time we are given any insight into what it's like to go through the experience (and survive), is when we go through it ourselves. And then, we are shamed into silence...left without any support...alone...the victim of the unbending judgments of a society who, like some commenters, think they have it all figured out.
Question God? How dare you? Feel anything other than joy? That is just wrong. Forgive and forget. Move on. Feel better. And if you fail to follow the rules, we will say things that will make you want to cry even more. We will emotionally punch you down until you comply. We will show no compassion, but rather show our determination to prove that we are right...whether you are equipped to hear it on that day or not.
If nothing else...this blog has always been MY journey through grief...MY journey to find some meaning...MY attempt to make some sense of the "unimaginable." I put it out there for me...but also because if ONE person stumbles on it and finds themselves a little less alone in this world...it will all have been worth it.
I don't expect anyone to agree with me...I don't even ask you to. Judgments are inevitable. I know that. But you know what? I don't care what some stranger thinks of the way I'm dealing with the death of MY CHILDREN. Quite frankly, I don't even care what people who know me think of the way I'm dealing with the death of my children. When you can trade places with me...then you can have an opinion. This is my battle and I'm fighting it the best way I know how. And I will NOT be silenced.
And I may question God until the day I die. And if He exists...and He asks me why I doubted...I think I'll be ok answering honestly.