Friday, May 19, 2006

This is me

You know what...I'm NOT going to be quiet! My first instinct is to run and hide at the slightest conflict or dissent...always the peacekeeper. But now...right now...I don't care what anyone thinks of me. This is MY place! This is ME! The ugly...the honest...the hurtful...the kind...all of me.

And while I appreciate everyone rallying around me...I would also appreciate if you didn't attack one another in the comments of this blog. I have my own opinion of those who show up out of nowhere and profess to have all the answers regarding things they really don't know a damn thing about...and I know you do too. But please, let's try to remain civil to even those people we don't agree with.

You know why I won't be quiet? Because that's what people do...especially women. For years...decades...even centuries...stillbirth has required silent grief. And the ONLY time we are given any insight into what it's like to go through the experience (and survive), is when we go through it ourselves. And then, we are shamed into silence...left without any support...alone...the victim of the unbending judgments of a society who, like some commenters, think they have it all figured out.

Question God? How dare you? Feel anything other than joy? That is just wrong. Forgive and forget. Move on. Feel better. And if you fail to follow the rules, we will say things that will make you want to cry even more. We will emotionally punch you down until you comply. We will show no compassion, but rather show our determination to prove that we are right...whether you are equipped to hear it on that day or not.

If nothing else...this blog has always been MY journey through grief...MY journey to find some meaning...MY attempt to make some sense of the "unimaginable." I put it out there for me...but also because if ONE person stumbles on it and finds themselves a little less alone in this will all have been worth it.

I don't expect anyone to agree with me...I don't even ask you to. Judgments are inevitable. I know that. But you know what? I don't care what some stranger thinks of the way I'm dealing with the death of MY CHILDREN. Quite frankly, I don't even care what people who know me think of the way I'm dealing with the death of my children. When you can trade places with me...then you can have an opinion. This is my battle and I'm fighting it the best way I know how. And I will NOT be silenced.

And I may question God until the day I die. And if He exists...and He asks me why I doubted...I think I'll be ok answering honestly.


Laura said...

I feel less alone because of you. Thank you, Catherine. I haven't posted, but I'm listening. I'm here everyday and I think of you constantly.

MB said...

Catherine, you have the courage I don't. The courage to call bullshit on a belief that is so ingrained in us that we are all arfaid to see it for what it is. I can't believe in a God who would punish us by taking our children, a God who would take our children as a way of teaxhing lessons, or a God who would punish us just for questioning what goes on.

I don't know if I believe in God either. Certainly not the God so many claim to know. Wht should I have faith. Faith in what? And who's to say what religion is right? They are all creations of man. None of us know.

I think in the end we have to work it out for ourselves. And in working it out, we make decisions based on our experiences and how we deal with them. I can't buy into Western Religion and Christianity, truth be told, I've thought that for much longer than just since Audrey was taken from us. Her loss just made me question it from a much angrier place.

I find myself gravitating more to the thoughts of some of the Eastern religions. More from a place of Spirituality than of Christianity. I just can't buy into all the "just have Faith" shit. Honestly (and I know I'm going to piss some people off here, but here goes anyway) I'm smarter than that.

'Someone' gave us free thought. I can't believe that it was given to us just so that it could be restricted by some unseen Creator.

I don't remember who said it, but someone said that you changed when Sam was born, you were different after Alex and you are different again after Travis. That is so true. My husband has told me before that he wants his wife back, the one he married. I've had to tell him that the person e's asking for is gone. He gets me now and he'd better find a way to love me. That's just how it is.

Keep your voice. Don't be silenced. Good for you.

Diana said...

Everyone deals with problems differently. And the way your handling your grief is YOUR way. Someone who goes through the same thing may handle it their own way.
I understand your questioning of god, I've done it myself many times, and stopped going to any type of church service years ago. Now, everything 'just happens', before it used to be "god must hate me' because of all the shit that was going on...
Believe in what you wan tto believe, all we can do is listen/read about your grief, and hold our hands out to you if you want something/someone to hold on to. You have a wonderful husband and beautiful Sam, I know they will be there for you no matter what.

Kathy McC said...

First of all, anyone who judges you or attacks you on YOUR OWN blog shouldn't be reading it...

Something Michelle said here struck me. She said that her husband wished for his wife back. The person before the loss. But she's right. The death of a child changes who you are. I think that's the key when it comes to the lame reaction and comments from those around us. They can't handle the fact that they can't have the old "us" back. They can't grasp the depth of the change...the pain. So they do whatever they can to comfort themselves, and a lot of times, it's hurtful to us. My mother is one of those. She doesn't understand why I haven't gotten over it all. She doesn't see it for what it really is...and the reason for that is because it would crush her. So I let her feel what she wants and I look for support from you and those like you. Those who understand and don't judge. And that's because you *know*. Does that make any sense at all or is it just blabber?? Keep speaking your mind...and we'll keep listening.

delphi said...

Cathrine, I just want to apologize - my comment under your last post wasn't very polite. I'm sorry I lost my temper. You are right, slamming each other here isn't going to help you or any of us. I allow myself to take things personally and emotions run high. Not fair to you - again, I am sorry.

Thank you for remaining so wise.

miraclebaby said...

I think you have a right to say whatever you want on your blog and maybe the reason people said what they did (I know I said something too... I'm sorry if I added grieg to your day) is because we have probably all been told by one person or another what we need to believe or need to be feeling and since it is a raw wound for a lot of us, felt like we should say something. But you are right, attacking people isn't the right way to handle it.

And I am sure that whatever point you come to in your faith in God in the future is going to be that much deeper, that much more meaningful and useful to you because of what you have been through. It is such a personal journey. I for one want you to know that I have felt much less alone for the fact that you talk about these things that I have felt but been to afraid to say because when I do I get judged. For that I thank you. And again, I am sorry if any comments I made were hurtful to you or anyone else.

the ockers said...

Catherine, I am also very sorry for being rude about and to Joy and upsetting you in the process. I just felt so angry she would dare suggest you are neglecting Steve and Sam (and I thought how would she know and who is she to judge...) and I lost my cool over it. I agree with you and Delphi, slamming each other isn't nice or right or very helpful. and I appologise for that.

Holley said...

My apologies too.

Joy's comment set me off for a variety of reasons.

I've removed the offending post since it isn't really appropriate for me to rant on your blog.


kate said...

My apologies too. Joy's comment angered me in part because my mother said similar things to me after Nicolas died. So i was angry also that you had to hear things said in that way.

I am glad you are here sharing your journey with us. And i agree that God can surely take your anger and doubt and questioning.