Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The tale of two me's*

There are two me's.

The first me is calm, cool, collected.
I accept what is as what is and know that there is no changing it...therefore there is no need to grieve.
This is the me that sees Travis as the "subsequent pregnancy" rather than as "Travis."
This is the me that says, "He didn't even have a name...you can't be missing him that much...you didn't even have time to get attached."
The me that enjoys the fact that I'm losing weight and not looking pregnant anymore.
This me is a kind, loving, even supportive friend.
This me knows how lucky I am to have my husband and my son and is able to focus on that.
This is the me that says, "You've survived far worse than this...you are fine."
With this me, I can feel "normal" and move about my day as though I am the same person I was before Travis died. Sure, I was forever affected by losing Alex...but I was beginning to feel optimism and happiness again in that new role that had been given me.
This me enjoys a sunny day.
This is the denial me.

The second me, however, is not calm, cool, or collected.
I do not accept what is as what is and, even though I know there is no changing it, I still long for answers. I still want to yell and scream and smash things as I demand answers from the universe.
"How cruel can you be? Forget me...What did they do to deserve this?"
This is the me that looks at the pictures of poor sweet tiny Travis and wonders if I loved him enough.
This is the me that feels like I had a lifetime with this poor sweet tiny soul and feels as though a part of MY soul is now missing.
The me that feels that every lost pound is another step away from my children.
This me wants to yell at anyone and everyone, "Don't you KNOW what happened to us?!?! Cut me some slack!!!" (and generally feels like letting loose a torrent of profanity)
This me appreciates Steve and Sam but can't help but focus on what is missing.
This is the me that doesn't care what I've survived...THIS is all just too much.
With this me, there is no functioning. There is only neverending crying...and incessant searching for answers on the internet. Someone...anyone...who understands.
This me is reminded that bad things happen...even on sunny days.
This is the me that wants to stomp out all optimism and happiness. This is the me that wonders, "Why bother?"

Rational...emotional...
I KNOW I need to balance the two me's...
Unless maybe I develop multiple personality disorder...
Which is looking like a better option every day (At least then I wouldn't have to work so hard to balance all this crap.).



*yes, I know the punctuation isn't correct...my blog...I'm allowed to take liberties with grammar and punctuation...and even invent my own words now and again.

6 comments:

miraclebaby said...

I can relate to feeling like 2 different people. I used to go from being fine one minute and raging the next. In my experience it was all part of the process. I can only imagine that it would be that much more magnified when another devastating loss is added...

Stephen said...

I Lova ya both :)

Diana said...

*hug*
I like both Catherines, because no matter which one is out, they are both still very real.

Tendersoul said...

In the face of tragedy, it is shocking how seperated from ourselves we can become.

I wish I had words for you. I can only imagine how horrible this is for you. I read your words as often as you write them. My heart breaks everytime. I hate that you have to endure this pain. Nobody should have to suffer this way.

As hard as it is, I read your words because I want to try to understand. Everytime I try to fathom how you are feeling, it frightens me.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs for you, because the piercing scream that lingers in your heart probably doesn't seem loud enough. Maybe all of us, in unison, can scream with you, but I still don't think it would come close.

There isn't enough comfort or love that can change the brokeness that you feel, but I try to feel it with you. And I am here - reading, feeling, screaming. And though none of us can't make it go away, I hope you know that we will cushion your fall as much as possible.

That must be seem like a load coming from someone you don't even know, but it is the truth.

kate said...

((((hugs))))) to both Catherines. I don't know how you are supposed to balance them either...if i knew i would tell you....

Windfall Woman said...

I don't think you have to balance them. Just Be. Be them both.