It's a balancing act of sorts. Missing our dead son, while still enjoying the son we have with us...mourning for what should have been, while being thankful for what is...crying at the odd moment when we're alone with our momentos, while smiling in the middle of the family gathering.
I read of women who would feel unfaithful to their lost child when they found happiness again. I didn't understand it at first. I think that is because I was so consumed with the sadness, the concept of happiness was a near impossibility. But now that there is some happiness...now that I've learned there IS an art to balancing it all...I can understand the feeling. If you let the scales tip even slightly in the favor of happiness there is this overwhelming worry that I am leaving Alex completely behind...that I will forget. It's insane, to tell you the truth. But there isn't much about this journey that hasn't been insane. So I just consider it par for the course.
On this Thanksgiving, I hope you'll forgive me if I indulge in the fantasy that our boy reads this blog.
We miss you Alex. We are so thankful for the time you were with us. Just because the scale may tip toward smiles and happiness today does NOT mean we have forgotten you. We love you.