From a friend who is better with words than I...
What you said in your email about A's feeling so helpless at Alex's funeral as you cried sounds familiar. The image I have had is that you're in a creek or river being swept along in this raging current and you're trying to keep your head above water, and I'm on the bank and there's this chain link fence between us, and all I can do is run along beside the creek and yell these stupid words of encouragement down to you as you're fighting for your life. Sometimes I've wondered if you wouldn't like to throw a rock at me if you had the energy, but still, I keep talking to you just so you know there's someone here and just in case it might help.
This is someone who gets it. This is a true friend. Someone who isn't afraid to take a rock in the temple should I lob one over and get lucky with my aim. Her voice is what has kept me from giving up and letting the river drag me under. Hers and the other amazing sisters in grief I've found (though some of them are being swept along with me in the water...they still manage to shout words of encouragement that keep me afloat).
Yes, every now and again I want to hit someone...anyone. With a rock or my fists or a baseball bat. The anger is there. But I truly believe it is kept under control by the knowledge that you care enough to put yourself in the middle of a dark dark forest...running along an unfamiliar river...caring whether I make it to shore again. There are those who turned and walked away from the river the minute the rapids got a bit rough. How I would LOVE to throw a rock or two at them.
R - I hope I didn't overstep my bounds on your blog comments. I rather enjoy the discussion, but find that my anger is sometimes unknowingly directed at people who don't deserve it. I hope you know that I didn't mean to be derisive or rude in any way. The comment following mine gave me pause...
As paradoxical as it sounds, I take comfort in knowing God is responsible for the pain (or at least, allows it happen). If He isn't reponsible for it, that means it's BIGGER than God, which is terrifying. If He allows it to happen, it must mean He seems something I don't. How many times have I had to discipline my children, withhold something, etc. etc. for their own good?
I'm percolating more of my own thoughts on that subject for a post later, I'm sure. :o)