Sunday, November 06, 2005

Fear of what?

Am I a freak? Am I embarassed? Am I scared?

I guess it's all of the above.

I just had the weirdest conversation with myself over whether to post my blog address in my comment information on a typepad blog that I read that is not loss related. Should I post it or not? Why would I have a problem sharing that information? I guess I'm still stuck in the mindset that this is my personal journal and only those I invite can read it. I don't want some stranger happening upon my thoughts by randomly clicking on some link somewhere. Or do I? This has gotten so complicated.

On the one hand I want this to be MY space...with the boundaries and limits defined by me. But I can't deny that there is an opportunity here to educate people about the truth of life when you lose a baby (at least as I see it). This is a chance to humanize that line in the pregnancy books that says, "...and rarely, stillbirth results." I want anyone and everyone to know that the statistical rarity doesn't make it any less devestating when it happens to you. And I want people, especially women, to know that they need to take control of their pregnancy care and ask questions...arm themselves with information so that their babies come home alive.

There is also the fear that someone will stumble on my words and not be as understanding as I need to heal emotionally. At that point, I think I would just have to shut the place down, and that would be very difficult since this has become a sort of therapy...writing my thoughts down and making sense of them.

So do I protect my existing little sphere of "friends" and keep you all to myself? Or do I share myself and risk the possible fallout?

What an odd situation.

4 comments:

R said...

Hmmm...it is weird, isn't it? This whole internet thing. I have struggled with that as well. Tinker has many more medical issues than I post on my blog; the reason I don't is because I don't want people thinking my kid is a freak.

When we all just wrote in our journals we didn't have to deal with other people reading and not agreeing, but we also didn't have the support that having an online journal brings.

It sounds like this is very cathartic for you...you COULD do a password protect, or you could just decide that there are dumbasses in the world, and if someone says something crappy, keep them from commenting. Can you do that even? I don't know...

Thinking of you
Rach

Kathy McC said...

Never really thought about that before. I've always worried that my friends who haven't experienced loss would comment on my blog and offend those who read it who HAVE suffered the loss of a child. So far, it hasn't really happened. But I can totally see your point.

Lorem ipsum said...

I have a Yahoo email that I use for internet stuff - buying online and corresponding with strangers. My real email is only for family and close friends. Despite baring my soul on my blog, you never know who is going to abuse that by writing you back. Yes it's a risk, but by using a separate account it's not so invasive if they do.

vixanne wigg said...

I had to password protect more from people in my real life rather than strangers. I hated to do it. I reached a lot of people, but it caused too many problems in my life. But there were a few random assholes too. Password protection has been great for me, so I'd recommend it if you want to make sure your space is safe.