Wednesday, September 07, 2005

The other side

I remember logging on to the blogging world after losing Alex. I read many many many posts from different women who had suffered losses and were seemingly past the point where they cried every day and were again able to enjoy some parts of their life again. I wondered how they got there and assumed there was some magic fix. There was nothing I wouldn't do to stop feeling what I was feeling. I've always been a woman of action...making things happen when they needed to (or I wanted them to)...and I figured this was no different. If someone somewhere could just tell me what I needed to do to make it go away, I would do it. But there wasn't a magic fix.

And now I'm left with a cliche when people ask how they get through something like this. Time heals all wounds. It leaves you with a scar that you will carry with you forever...but it does scar doesn't stay that huge deep gash the bleeds when you simply breathe.

Maybe it's the realization that others are worse off than me. Maybe it's the passage of all the "firsts" that I was really looking forward to. Maybe it's the purging of household reminders. Maybe it's tucking away old dreams and daring to dream new ones. I'm not sure. But here I am.

I realized this morning that I haven't cried for Alex in at least three days. I don't know how it happened or when...but I'm thankful that I made it here. I know it's not the end of the road...but there is hope replacing despair. I still carry incredible sadness around and it knocks me on my butt every now and then. But I can accept that because there is something resembling happiness on the other days.


Sherry said...

You deserve that happiness. I can't imagine, but I am sure that scar is there forever. We have family who lost children due to a car accident, and others due to fire. Those children aren't talked of often, but are still thought of and loved. Some 'What if he was still here' thoughts are spoken from time to time. These babies should be in their 30's - 50's now. No real point, except that time does move forward, and it does help heal those wounds.

MB said...


Jill said...

That's great news (((hugs))) :D

(I finally got a cool word for verification! Dedli! Over here, 'deadly' is like 'cool'. It's a good thing!)

deadbabymama said...

I'm glad you've made it to this point too, although I know it is bittersweet to be there. Here's to facing the future with hope and happiness to go along with the grief.

Bronwyn said...

Glad you can feel the healing powers of time working their "magic". It is so hard to imagine at the beginning that there will ever be a time when you won't feel like you're drowning in grief, but it does come, slowly yet miraculously. (((Big hug)))


Julie said...

I'm glad you're allowing some happy moments to slip in, too. Time and hope help a little, I guess. And lots of support from people who know. {{{hugs}}}