Monday, August 01, 2005

I feel dirty

And not in the eyebrow-raising, "Oh really?" way that you're thinking. I just keep going over and over in my brain how my baby was killed by bacteria...bacteria in MY body. I know it's senseless to worry about this before I see the specialist and get some further insight, but I feel like I have this "ick" all over me and I could shower for hours and still not wash it off.

It appears there are a couple of ways I could have contracted this "thing." An ascending infection of the uterus. That's fancy terminology for something-crawled-up-my-hoochie. Nice huh? There is also the possibility that it was something I ate...though this option is apparently much less likely. And there are very rare, enter-through-the-skin types of bacteria...even less likely than the ingested kind.

But regardless of how it got there, I can't help but think that it is THERE. I mean, how gross is that? Bacteria!?!?! I use antibacterial soap on my dishes, my clothes, and my hands, for crying out loud! How did this microscopic invader get access to my body and steal my dreams from me!?!?! And can I get rid of it? Will it always be with me? Is it there now?

I know these are all questions that the specialist will hopefully have some answers for, but I can't help but think about it in the back of my mind all the time. I remember seeing a filmstrip in elementary school about symbiotic relationships. The thing is, I thought those are somehow beneficial to both the symbiot (sp?) and the host. How wrong I was...Biology A close, prolonged association between two or more different organisms of different species that may, but does not necessarily, benefit each member.

So I've got a squatter in my uterus. What's the eviction procedure?

I need to know now...before I lose what's left of my grasp on reality.

Wait a week and I'll have some answers, I know. But I just feel so dirty now!


Jill said...

((Catherine)). I wish there was something to say but the fact that a bacteria is treatable is as bad a thing as good. Great, it needn't ever be an issue again, but why wasn't it treated before?

I'm sorry about it all:( Like you say though, only a week until some ansewers:)

lauralu said...

if they can't evict your squatter (LOVE that metaphor, btw), then maybe you can capitalize on the whole drrtygrrl thing - wear trashy dresses and bleach your hair and sing salacious songs in a voice simulating sex. hey, it works for christina aguilera - why shouldn't she share the wealth? besides, you've questioned your lawyering lately; maybe this is your way out!

seriously, i hope you find some answers; and if not, i hope you can live with it.