For the first time in twelve weeks, we had a good Wednesday.
We started this morning with the much anticipated trip around town(s) to pick up my medical records. With an untrained medical eye, it appears the bacteria in question is E coli. I'm not sure what to think, so I'm reserving all judgments and guesstimates until we talk to the perinatologist on Tuesday.
We also went and finalized the plan for Alex's headstone. We actually talked to the guy who is going to do the work. I finally feel like we're on the same page. In four to six weeks Alex should have a permanent monument. I'm not sure what to think about this either. Happy? Sad?
But after all our errands of drudgery, we headed off to do some retail therapy with Julie and the boy. Despite the unbelievable heat and humidity we had a nice time. The boy got some shopping done, though I don't think as much as he would have liked. Our Sam got some pants at the Osh Kosh outlet...and a $2 toy school bus at the toy outlet that totally thrilled him and will probably end up at the bottom of the toy box before the week is out. Steve got to visit the Black & Decker and Sony outlets...though I think he missed the Bose outlet...poor guy.
But the best part of the day was taking some time to sit and chat with Ms. Sisyphus herself. I never thought it would help lighten my heart so much to talk with someone who understands where I am, where I've been, and can tell me where I'm going. She is a truly beautiful human being, and she's going to look great in the Liz Claiborne shirts she bought ($10...nobody should pass up a deal like that!).
I fear that I made a major faux pas during our short visit, however. And I would like to apologize "publicly." At one point while we were talking I said, "Don't cry." I offered a hug...but those words still escaped. They came out of my mouth before I even realized they were there. It was second nature to suppress uncomfortable emotion and make sure I didn't have to deal with it. Here, I thought I was so evolved because of my own Alex...but apparently old habits die hard. What I should have said was, "Cry all you want. I'm here for you if you need me...and I understand."
So what I will say now is this...
I'm sorry. Cry all you want. I'm here for you if you need me...and I understand.
I hope it's not too little, too late. Thank you for a good Wednesday. I truly appreciate it.